the 2000's in the NFL

SI.com just put all this out, and it is interesting to look back and think about these moments, since most of them, I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when they happened.....

The raiders are on way to many of bad end of these trades, Ray Lewis did dominate that super bowl
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/magazine/specials/2000s/12/04/nfl.highlights.lowlights/index.html?eref=sihp

I agree with most of these, I have to think that Gallery, Leaf, and J. Russell need to be higher on the bust list of draft picks...
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/magazine/specials/2000s/12/04/nfl.trades.free.agents.draft/index.html

I think the tuck rule game and the music city miracle game are rated too low on this list:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/0912/all-decade.nfl.top.10.games/content.2.html

Good to see this many Ravens on the all-decade team, I personally think Stover should have been on this list also...
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/magazine/specials/2000s/12/05/nfl.decade.team/index.html

I remember every one of these plays, they were all great....
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/magazine/specials/2000s/12/03/nfl.signature.moments/index.html?eref=sihp

I like seeing the Ravens Def so high on this list, but To with 20 catches in rice's last game, and Fitzgerald in the 09 playoffs do deserve to be higher.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/0912/all-decade.nfl.memorable.performances/content.7.html

getting over an ex

Getting over her was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. It took me a very, very long time, and even after 3 months, I was not over her. I didn't know if I would truly be able to be over her.

Turns out, when she left me a 2nd time, and I had to get over her all over again, its twice as hard instead of being twice as easy :(

It amazes me that she doesn't go through the same thing, and that she can just move on and stay busy at work and with her friends and her life and not have a worry in the world about me or my life.

sports and music this weekend

- Swifts monologue on SNL was very funny
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/taylor-swift-monologue/1173589/?__cid=thefilter
- The League is quickly becoming the funniest show on tv
- Texas, Tcu, Florida, Bama, LSU, Boise, Oregon, Cincy, Houston, are the 9 best teams in ncaa so far this year, based soley on the games I have seen them play, not on name, not on hype, and not on previous years history, just based on the games they have played this year
- Cincy is not up there with Pitt, Indy, and NE as the class of the AFC
- Joe Mauer should win the mvp this year in baseball
- As bad as the ravens are, they still have at least 4 pro-bowlers in their team
- I know the original was a Beatles song, but the remix of All I need is love for all the blackberry commercials is a great cover song
- Next Tuesday is going to be a very, very long day at work, based on The Ravens having the MNF game
- The spurs are already showing their age with Parker and Duncan both hurt, that is not a good sign for them
- I haven't seen the Carrie Prejean sex tape, is it on the internet at all?
- The Raptors look like they will be the 3 seed in the east behind Clevland and Boston
- Lawrence Taylor had a hit and run accident this weekend and Kat Williams broke into someone's house...Money and Drugs make you do crazy things
- Betting on NCAA fball games is getting easier and easier each week. I wish people would stop going off reputation of teams and actually do the research. People should now better then to take these points that are out there. No one that knows college fball would have taken ND or Oregon.
- Is Terrell Owens still in the NFL?
- Is Sims-Walker for real or a just a one year wonder?
- Is Jada Kiss as hot as it gets?
- Rampage Jackson is in the new A-team movie, that will be a great movie
- For anyone that doesn't think the NFL cares about what games it puts on tv and when, the pats/colts game has been on the Sunday of Sweeps week, every year for the last 6 years, that is not a conciedince
- As much as the Heisman is up in the air right now ( Keenum, Mccoy, Tebow, Ingrim, Suh, etc..) I think the mvp of the NFL is in just as much limbo ( Manning, Brees, Brady, D. Sharper, Favre, Peterson, Palmer(
- Cal will win the big ten in ncaa bball this year, they are a dangerous team
- No one should care about Chad Ochocinco pretending to bribe an official, he is just funny and makes the bengals interesting
- Green Bay looks awful. They can not block and they can not play defense.
- If you haven't seen Sammy Sosa, please watch the video below, WOW
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/0911/did.you.see.that.1106/content.11.html
- BEST VIDEO OF THE WEEKEND..the producer doesn't know his mic is on, this was on live tv
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPDLO2DzKow
- rhis is what steriods can make you do...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVwxTWVfiho&feature=player_embedded

Daily Log

All this talk about changing my life and getting my life back together has to actually start. Part of all of that, is eating not as shitty, not blowing all my money, not drinking as much, etc... I am starting a daily log of all the money I spend and everything I eat/drink.

Death of a parent

My mom died years ago, and it is something that I will never be able to truly get over. The thing is, sometimes I think it is weird that I do not miss her more or certain things do not make me think of her. An example is, I can watch a show on tv where someone loses their mom, and I don't think about it. Other times, something random will happen or someone will say something random about a topic, and it will trigger thoughts of my mom.

Then there are times like today when it is all I can think about. A buddy of mine, his dad died in his sleep last night. I grew up with him and knew his dad very well. Hearing this news made me think of my mom, and made me miss her very much. It made me just want to drive over to my friends house and give him a hug and tell him it will be ok, but then I remembered that as good as all the cards and hugs and good things that people do and say are, nothing can truly help and nothing can bring that person back. All that can help is being there for that person in any way they need. As I type this, I realize that no words can truly explain what I am thinking now, and what is actually going through my head, but writing things down is the closest thing I have to expressing my feelings.

His death also made me remember how awful it is to lose a parent, and how every day it is happening to someone else. I remember thinking when my mom died, that I never want anyone I know to have to go through the pain of losing a parent. I had friends parents die before my mom, and I was sad, but I never truly got and understood the pain and the loss, because I had not experienced it. I know that sounds crass, but it is true. I knew it was an awful event and I was there to help, but I truly didn't know what to say, how to act, or how to help.

Unfortunately, death happens, and all I can do is be there for people when it happens, and be able to give them a person to talk to about anything and to be there for them, and hope that my experience can somehow help them through their tough time. The loss of a parent, no matter what age, is the hardest thing in life to deal with, and I feel so bad and so awful for anyone that has to feel that pain.

Can dogs remember?

What type of brain do dogs have?
How long can a dog remember someone for?( if you spend a lot of time with a dog, and then you do not see them for a long time, do they remember you)
do they have love or do they just view people as masters?
Can they really tell when you are happy, sad, upset, etc..?
When they lick people, are they showing love, or is that just a reaction?
Do dogs view humans as parents or masters, and can they tell the difference between a normal person and their parents?

Sports this weekend

The nba season is now here along with the world series, ncaa and nfl games. This is a prime time for betting (http://withleather.uproxx.com/2009/10/get-ready-for-20-point-lines-next-week). Not only is this a great time for betting, it is a great time if you are a sports fan. Yes, most people can not sit through a whole NBA game, but still, having the high lites is a good thing. There are some great players in the league right now, and they are entertaining.

Most people ( at least out of the people I know) hate either the Yankees or the Phillies or both. That being said, it is still the world series, and this should be a good one. This is the list of HOF players that will be in this world series; Jeter, Arod, rivera, pettite, and posada. You also have these guys that are all about 2-4 years away from being HOF players- Utley, Howard( on pace to have ruthian numbers), rollins, Lee, Sabathia, Hammels, and Lidge. This should be a great series. As far as NCAA goes, we are now at the 2nd week of the BCS polls being out, and every day there is a new debate about where teams should be ranked and who is better( a 1 loss USC or an undefeated TCU etc..), but what makes college football the best sport around, is that every game really does matter, and it will all play out. You always here announcers say "must win game", but the bottom line is, that in college every game is a must win, if you want to play for the national champ. I have my own theories of who will end up where, and things like that, but that is for another time.

The nfl has hit a point in the season where we new who the top 10 teams are, and we also know who the 10 worst teams are. The playoffs should be very good this year. Everyone has their own opinion of who is the best and who is the worst, but in the AFC Pitt, Indy, Denver, Ne, and Bmore look like the 5 best teams with the Jets, Chargers and Bengals there, but we will see. I know I am biased and have the Ravens better then the Bengals, I just think by the end of the year the Ravens will be better as long as we can stay healthy. In the NFC the Saints, Giants, Vikings look like the class of that division with teams like the Packers, Falcons and some others hanging around, but I can not see a team that is not one of those top 3 making it to the super bowl.

Some other random thoughts I have about sports:
- I do not see any way the Orioles will be able to compete for a playoff spot within the next 5 years
- The office is getting way less funny, where as Always Sunny is getting funnier
- When Palamalu is healthy, the Steelers have one of the top 3 def in the NFL
- Michigan paid a team $500,000 to come to their stadium and play them for homecoming. That team took 2 losses that day, because they forfeited the game they had schedule, just so they could get that pay day. This is what the economy has come to, its sad
- Either P. Manning, Brees, or Rothelisburger will win the MVP, no one else is in the race
- Harvin may have clinched ROY on Sunday
- Willie Parker is done in Clev.
- QB is the most important position in the NFL, look at the good teams, look at the bad teams. Unless you have a top 5 def of all time( 2000 ravens) you need a qb who can play. Look at the awful teams in the league- Browns, Raiders, Rams, Niners, Bucs, Skins, Titans, Chiefs and look at their qb's, and then look at the good teams in the league- Pitt, Ne, Indy, Den, Minn, Giants, Cincy, Bmore and look at their qb's
- The heisman race is wide open right now
- Iowa will lose a game, TCU, Boise, Cincy, and Texas will not lose a game this year. Should make for some interesting debates at the end of the year.
- GT is a very good team, that ball control offense makes it very difficult for a team to come back against
- I think the Phillies have the talent to win the world series
- If Shaq stays healthy and focused, Clev will be very hard to beat. Lebron has taken that team deep in the playoffs with 9 other guys on the team who are awful
- Oregon will beat USC this saturday
- What did people do to kill time during work before Twitter, Facebook, myspace, AIM, and pandora

moving out of the city

The more I thought about why I want to move out of Federal Hill, I realized way more about why I want to. It has to do with how I feel about my life, what I want from my life both present and future, what I want out of the place I live, what i want friends to see when they come over, and also how I get along with my room mate.

I like the Federal Hill area, and I like what it has to offer, just right now living in the middle of it, is something I am over with my life. As far as my future goes, I am 100% over living down town, and I do not want to live around this crowd anymore. As much as I like the people down here, I do not like how everyone is always out, and how you are viewed if you do not go out. I should be able to live my life they I want, and all of my friends should not change their opinion of me based on if I am out or not. I am over drinking all the time, and I am over always being out. I can go out and not drink and still have a great time. I can spend a whole night out with my friends and not have to drink, but overall, living in the middle of Federal Hill is not something I want in my life now, or in the future. I can not wait to move out of this area. The way this part of town runs and the way most of the people are, is just only part of the reason I want to move out.

I have had an interesting housing history, and I think that is also part of the reason why I want to move out. After everywhere I have lived( both town and type of house and room mate) I am just not happy at all in this place. It is a nice apartment that I live in now, and me and Chris both have our own private bath rooms, but still there are so many things about this place that I do not like, that is just adding to my wanting to move out of here. I have never lived in this tight of a quarters like this, and things are just not how I want them. My room mate and I are on different pages when it comes to what it is like to live with someone in such tight quarters. The way we were when the other one has a guest over, the way we are with each when we are in the house, and especially how he is with me, when I am just hanging out sober and he is getting hammerred. I am over that time in my life, I can still go out and have a good time, but I am not the same way I was and I think my room mate resents that in a way. Recently, the stress has been building up between us, and we keep snapping at each other for little things. When 2 people live together, there needs to be a common respect for each other and how the place is kept and how you act when the other one is there. I feel like none of that is there in my apt, and it makes it so I do not even want to be in my own place.

My apt is in a great location if you love to go out, and you always want to be in the middle of the action. The problem is that I do not want that anymore. I am not saying I want to just pick up and move into the country and not have anyone within 20 miles of me, but living in the middle of Federal HIll is not something I want. I want to get out of here, so I can be happy with myself and take my life exactly where I want it to be. I do not want to live with anyone else every again, unless it is a girl that I ask to move in with me. I will not have a room mate other than that. The days of living with someone are over for me.

Getting back with your ex

This is a blog in process, I have so many thoughts on this, and I have so much emotion towards this topic. There is so much I want to write about this topic, but I have to give myself some more time to think about it. I think for some people there will always be problems and they will break up and get back together, and eventually it will work out because they have so much love. On the other hand, I think some people think they love each other, but in reality, they do not have love, and they keep getting back together, but it never works. Like I said, I have a lot of opinions on this. I have to think for a couple more days before I write more about this topic.

Sports and Tv from this weekend

- Michael Oher may have won the rookie of the year award yesterday for his work on Allen while Harvin got hurt, Stafford was out, Sanchez looked awful, Pettigrew didnt play
- Moreno could overstep Oher in ROY tonight
- Larintus for the Rams is far and away defensive ROY
- The saints and vikings look like the real deal, the question is can they go on the road in the playoffs and win, or will they even have to?
- Office has not been as funny this season
- Curb your Enthusiasm is back and is very funny
- Are the pats back and for real, or are the Titans really that bad?
- The tie-breaker for the ACC team to go to the champ game in the ACC is highest BSC standings, that does not bode well for VT.
- If TCU wins at BYU this weekend, will they jump into the top 5, will they jump Boise?
- If Cincy and Iowa go undefeated for the rest of the year along with TCU and Boise, and Texas has one loss and the loser of Fl/bama has one loss, and 2 other teams have one loss, who is playing for the national championship
- I will watch a MLB playoff game if I see it on tv, but I really have no interest in these playoffs for some reason, what are the series at right now?
- Winter Warz by Ghostface Killah maybe the best song by anyone in wu-tang
- Everyone is blaming the kicker for the Ravens for losing the game, but if an NFL team is giving up 400 yards of offense and 30+ pts, who is really to blame?
- I know that no one cares, but the NBA is starting soon, there is some great rookie talent in the league this year, and overs are always hot at the beginning of the year, because teams do not have their defenses set up.
- Top Chef and Road Rules/Real world challenges are the two best reality shows on tv, followed by Shark Tank,
- Zorn had his play-calling taken away and Campbell got benched and they lost to the Cheifs, are the Skins now the worst team in the league. That would be a bold statement in a league where the Rams, Raiders, Titans, Browns, Texans, Bucs, Eagles all play
- I have to assume that Ron Zook is going to be the fist NCAA coach fired this year. I know firing coaches mid-season doesn't accomplish anything, but he has to go.
- Community and Modern Family are two very funny new shows on tv
- The sexual tension between the 2 main characters in Bones is exactly the same as Mulder and Scully had in x-files, does anyone else see that?
- If the Orioles want any chance of competing next year, they have to sign Gonzalez form the padres and lackey from the angels, that is the only way to compete in the al east

My life while I think about turning 30

As I sit and think about where my life is now, I used to get depressed and sad. I never thought that this is where I would be at this stage in my life(Divorced, no kids, a job I sort of like, living in a house I sort of like, hanging out with the people I hung out with 15 years ago, etc..), but then I realize that this is where life has taken me and I can’t be sad or upset with it, I just have to take it for what it is, and go from there. I look around me and every single one of my friends seems to have everything going for them. Everyone seems to be happy with their life, their job, their relationships, etc..It seems like I am the only one questioning my life, and I am the only one that has any issues, like I am the only one who has any depression or sadness or issues of any kind. I then think, most of my friends don’t really know how I think and what I think about day to day, but I still wonder, am I just losing my mind and I am the only one that has crazy stuff going on, or does everyone have stuff going on and they just do not want to talk about any of it. Everyone looks at me and thinks I have this great life, because they only know the outside shell of the traveling, friends, parties, etc., but there is so much more going on.
I am not sure how all of this will play into my book, but I will find a way to get all of this in there.

The flip side of all of this is that I have led an incredible life so far, and even though this isn’t exactly where I thought I would end up, I don’t have any complaints for how I have led my life. I have made some decisions that I probably should of made different, but those decisions helped shape who I am today. I have traveled to the following areas around the world and seen and dome some amazing things in these places; Switzerland, Toledo, Madrid, Morroco, Canada(3 times), Cancun, Aruba(2), Bahamas(4), Acalpulco, St. Kitts, St. John, Bonairre, Curaco(sp?), driven cross country twice and been to most cities in the U.S. I went to a great college and made great friends down there, I lived in Boston for 5 months and made some great friends up there also. I have had numerous jobs where I have not only met great people, but made a lot of money doing them. I have been in many weddings, and have been to many more. I have bought and sold/rented out 2 different houses, I have been in love, I have been in love again, and I have owned 3 cars. I have been to over 50 concerts and had some of the best times at those shows. On the other hand, I have been divorced, I have had my heart broken, I have had my heart broken again, I have been screwed over by best friends, screwed over by family, screwed over by jobs, I have lost my grandparents and my mother, I have gone from having all the money in the world to feeling like I have none of the money in the world. It seems like I have had so much happen in my life, and sometimes it just all catches up with me.

With all of that being said I find myself in a place now, where one day I am incredibly happy and satisfied with my life, and the next day I am depressed and thinking what went wrong and where did I make mistakes, and what can I chance. I do know that thinking about/dwelling about negative things and things in the past will get me no where, and all I can do is continue to live my life and make myself exactly who I want to be.

When it comes to my best friends, I went through a phase where I was torn about some of them, but at this point, I am 100% sure who my friends are and who is just a fake friend. I will say, that so many people that I have met since I started going to college judge me and judge my friends, because we are all friends from high school, and that we need to branch out and make other friends. I remember being in the dorm, and I was the only person that still had good friends from home. I will say that Towson and Baltimore is the type of town that people stay close in. I have made some great friends in college and after college, but the majority of my best friends are people that I have known since I was very, very young, and I know they are all true friends. Some still live in town with me, others live across the country, but no matter what, we are all still very close.

I guess most of this comes from another one of my friends turning 30 this weekend, and with my 30th quickly approaching, it makes me think a lot about my life and where it is now and where it is going. I know I am happy and I have a good life, I just feel like sometimes I am just floating through life and I am not sure which direction I should be going in.

Wedding Weekend

I have now been to 3 weddings in the last 6 weeks. Each one is very different in its own way with theme, people there, flowers, location, etc., but at the same time they are all very, very similar.

I love going to weddings, and I love everything they stand for. I will say, that at each wedding, there is still a little part of me, that even if its only for one minute, I think about my wedding, and what I went through, and I just hope and prey that the people getting married that they never have to go through what I went through.

Another similarity at these weddings is how me and my friends are viewed by the people getting married. Every single wedding, we are viewed as the trouble makers and viewed as the people that have to be told over and over again to make sure they behave themselves. An example of this would be at the wedding we were just at. 7 of us from Baltimore were up at the wedding, and we all have grown up with the groom and known him our whole lives. 4 of us were groomsmen in the wedding. That all being said, we were sat at a table that was so far away and half outside of the pier we were on, that we couldn't even hear any of the speeches or toasts. No one else at the table took it as an insult, but I took it as a direct slap in the face. We are supposed to be best friends, and half of us were groomsmen, and we still got shoved as far away as possible, because they thought we were going to be loud or rude or something like that. Then, within the hour, people were not really on the dance floor, and the groom came over to us and asked us to go on the dance floor because he knew we were fun, and people would follow our lead, and that turned into a huge dance party.

2 days late after all the wedding brunches and festivities, all that was said to the bride and groom and their families, was how nice and fun and polite all the Baltimore people were.

The point it is we may drink and have fun at weddings, but we are all still grown ups and we are all mature adults, and to treat us like little kids and put as at tables as far away as possible because you are embarrassed by us(this has happened at multiple wedding) is just rude and it needs to stop happening
.

Soul Mates

Is there really such a thing as a true soul mate. I have to think that there may be people out there that are soul mates, but that does not mean that the person you fall in love with is going to be that person.

When you are in a relationship with someone, you have feelings and emotions and you can build a strong love and foundation with someone, but that does not make them a soul mate.

I agree with the concept of soul mates, and I love having a connection with someone, and I love hearing when people fall in love and they are happy, but I think the term soul mates gets thrown around way to much.

Rathebe's NCAA predictions

Preseason Pac-10:
Top 10 Players
1. Taylor Mays FS U$C
2. Jahvid Best RB California
3. Jacquizz Rodgers RB Oregon St.
4. Syd'Quan Thompson CB California
5. Dexter Davis DE Arizona St.
6. Kris O'Dowd C U$C
7. Aulterraun Verner CB UCLA
8. Brian Price DT UCLA
9. Rob Gronkowski TE Arizona
10. Damien Williams U$C

Awards
OPOY: Jahvid Best RB California
DPOY: Taylor Mays FS USC
ROY: Andrew Luck QB Stanford

Standings
Oregon (7-2)
California (7-2)
USC (7-2)
Oregon St. (6-3)
Arizona St. (5-4)
Stanford (4-5)
UCLA (4-5)
Arizona (4-5)
Washington (1-8)
Washington St. (0-9)

QB: Jeremiah Masoli Oregon
RB: Jahvid Best California
RB: Jacquizz Rodgers Oregon St.
WR: Nyan Boteng California
WR: Damien Williams USC
TE: Rob Gronkowski Arizona
AP: James Rodgers Oregon State
OL: Charles Brown USC
OL: Jeff Byers USC
OL: Kris O'Dowd USC
OL: Mike Remmers Oregon State
OL: Mike Tepper California

DL: Dexter Davis Arizona St.
DL: Lawrence Guy Arizona St.
DL: Brian Price UCLA
DL: Daniel Te'o-Nesheim Washington
LB: Kyle Bosworth UCLA
LB: Reggie Carter UCLA
LB: Keaston Kristick Oregon St.
DB: Taylor Mays USC
DB: Syd'Quan Thompson California
DB: Walter Thurmond Oregon
DB: Aulterraun Verner UCLA

PK: Kai Forbath UCLA
P: Keenyn Crier Arizona

SEC:

Top 10 Players
1. Eric Berry DB Tennsessee
2. Tim Tebow QB Florida
3. Brandon Spikes LB Florida
4. Terrence Cody DT Alabama
5. Rolando McClain LB Alabama
6. Greg Hardy DE Ole Miss
7. Trevard Lindley CB Kentucky
8. Ciron Black OT LSU
9. Rennie Curran LB Georgia
10. Eric Norwood LB South Carolina

Awards
OPOY: Tim Tebow Florida
DPOY: Eric Berry Tennessee
ROY: Andre Debose Florida

Standings
East West
UF (7-1) Miss (6-2)
UGA (6-2) Bama (6-2)
USC (5-3) LSU (6-2)
UT (3-5) AU (4-4)
UK (2-6) Ark (2-6)
Van (1-7) MSU (0-8)

All-Conference Team
QB: Tim Tebow Florida
RB: Charles Scott LSU
RB: Michael Smith Arkansas
WR: AJ Green Georgia
WR: Julio Jones Alabama
TE: DJ Williams Arkansas
AP: Dexter McCluster Ole Miss
OL: Ciron Black LSU
OL: Clint Boling Georgia
OL: John Jerry Ole Miss
OL: Ben Jones Georgia
OL: Lee Ziemba Auburn

DL: Geno Atkins Georgia
DL: Terrence Cody Alabama
DL: Greg Hardy Ole Miss
LB: Rennie Curran Georgia
LB: Rolando McClain Alabama
LB: Eric Norwood South Carolina
LB: Brandon Spikes Florida
DB: Eric Berry Tennessee
DB: Ahmad Black Florida
DB: Joe Haden Florida
DB: Trevard Lindley Kentucky

PK: Joshua Shene Ole Miss
P: Chas Henry Florida

Big 12:

Top 10 Players
1. Colt McCoy QB Texas
2. Gerald McCoy DT Oklahoma
3. Sam Bradford QB Oklahoma
4. Dez Bryant WR Oklahoma St.
5. Russell Okung OT Oklahoma
6. Todd Reesing QB Kansas
7. Zac Robinson QB Oklahoma St.
8. Sean Weatherspoon LB Missouri
9. Ndamakong Suh DT Nebraska
10. Dezmon Briscoe WR Kansas

Awards
OPOY: Colt McCoy QB Texas
DPOY: Ndamakong Suh DT Nebraska
ROY: Alex Okafor DE Texas

Standings
North South
KU (4-4) UT (8-0)
Neb (4-4) OU (7-1)
CU (3-5) Ok St. (6-2)
Mizzou (3-5) Bay (4-4)
ISU (2-6) TTU (4-4)
KSU (2-6) A&M (1-7)

All-Conference Team
QB: Colt McCoy Texas
RB: Kendall Hunter Oklahoma St.
RB: DeMarco Murray Oklahoma
WR: Dezmon Briscoe Kansas
WR: Dez Bryant Oklahoma St.
TE: Jermaine Gresham Oklahoma
AP: Jordan Shipley Texas
OL: Brandon Carter Texas Tech
OL: Chris Hall Texas
OL: Russell Okung Oklahoma St.
OL: Adam Ulatoski Texas
OL: Trent Williams Oklahoma

DL: Jeremy Beal Oklahoma
DL: Sergio Kindle Texas
DL: Gerald McCoy Oklahoma
DL: Ndamakong Suh Nebraska
LB: Travis Lewis Oklahoma
LB: Joe Pawelek Baylor
LB: Sean Weatherspoon Missouri
DB: Cha'pelle Brown Colorado
DB: Dominique Franks Oklahoma
DB: Jordan Lake Baylor
DB: Darrell Stuckey Kansas

PK: Alex Henery Nebraska
P: Justin Tucker Texas

Big East:

Top 10 Players
1. George Selvie DE South Florida
2. Anthony Davis OT Rutgers
3. Mardy Gilyard WR Cincinnati
4. Arthur Jones DT Syracuse
5. Noel Devine RB West Virginia
6. Ryan D'Imperio LB Rutgers
7. Matt Grothe QB South Florida
8. Victor Anderson RB Louisville
9. Nate Allen S South Florida
10. Tony Pike QB Cincinnati

Awards
OPOY: Matt Grothe QB South Florida
DPOY: George Selvie DE South Florida
ROY: Dion Lewis RB Pittsburgh

Standings
South Florida (5-2)
Rutgers (5-2)
West Virginia (4-3)
Pittsburgh (4-3)
Cincinnati (4-3)
UConn (3-4)
Louisville (3-4)
Syracuse (0-7)

All-Conference Team
QB: Matt Grothe South Florida
RB: Victor Anderson Louisville
RB: Noel Devine West Virginia
WR: Jonathan Baldwin Pittsburgh
WR: Mike Williams Syracuse
TE: Nate Byham Pittsburgh
AP: Mardy Gilyard Cincinnati
OL: Ryan Blaszcyk Rutgers
OL: Anthony Davis Rutgers
OL: Kevin Haslem Rutgers
OL: Zach Hermann South Florida
OL: Jeff Linkenbach Cincinnati

DL: Scooter Berry West Virginia
DL: Aurther Jones Syracuse
DL: Greg Romerus Pittsburgh
DL: George Selvie South Florida
LB: Ryan D'Imperio Rutgers
LB: Greg Williams Pittsburgh
LB: Reed Williams West Virginia
DB: Nate Allen South Florida
DB: Aaron Berry Pittsburgh
DB: Dom DeCicco Pittsburgh
DB: Robert Vaughn Connecticut

PK: Jake Rogers Cincinnati
P: Rob Long Syracuse

ACC:

Top 10 Players
1. Jonathan Dwyer RB Georgia Tech
2. Jason Worilds DE Virginia Tech
3. Russell Wilson QB NC State
4. CJ Spiller RB Clemson
5. Morgan Burnett S Georgia Tech
6. Rodney Hudson OG Florida St.
7. Alex Wujciak LB Maryland
8. Stephen Virgil CB Virginia Tech
9. Marvin Austin DT North Carolina
10. Vince Oghobaase DT Duke

Awards
OPOY: Russell Wilson QB NC State
DPOY: Jason Worilds DE Virginia Tech
ROY: Jaccobi McDaniel DT Florida St.

Standings
Atlantic Coastal
FSU (5-3) VT (7-1)
NCSU(5-3) GT (6-2)
WFU (4-4) UNC (5-3)
UMD (4-4) Mia (4-4)
CU (4-4) UVA (2-6)
BC (1-7) Duke (1-7)

All-ACC Team
QB: Russell Wilson NC State
RB: Jonathan Dwyer Georgia Tech
RB: Da'Rel Scott Maryland
WR: Kevin Ogletree Virginia
WR: Demaryius Thomas Georgia Tech
TE: Greg Boone Virginia Tech
AP: CJ Spiller Clemson
OL: Will Barker Virginia
OL: Anthony Costanzo Boston College
OL: Rodney Hudson Florida St.
OL: Sergio Render Virginia Tech
OL: Ed Wang Virginia Tech

DL: Marvin Austin North Carolina
DL: Derrick Morgan Georgia Tech
DL: Vince Oghobaase Duke
DL: Jason Worilds Virginia Tech
LB: Cam Martin Virginia Tech
LB: Quan Sturdivant North Carolina
LB: Alex Wujciak Maryland
DB: Morgan Burnett Georgia Tech
DB: Kendric Burney North Carolina
DB: Kam Chancellor Virginia Tech
DB: Stephen Virgil Virginia Tech

PK: Matt Bosher Miami
P: Travis Baltz Maryland

Karma

does it exist?

Recently, I have beginning to think it does. I keep hearing stories about some bad things that are happening to people that have treated me mead/rudely over time and as much as it sucks for them, I do think that some where deep down they deserve what is happening to them.

On the other side of it, things keep happening to people I know, and they are all great people that are very nice and are always helping out other people, and the things happening to them are good things for them and their lives, and it is good to see Karma coming around and affecting both people in different ways.

I used to not really believe in karma, but over the last 2 months with all of these things happening, I am beginning to think that it does.

Dating in the dark

Does this show have merit?

Last night I watched this show where people have to meet each other and get to know each other and hook up etc.. without ever seeing each other(it is all done in a pitch black room). At the end of the show, they finally get to see each other and then they have to decide if they still want each other.

At first you think this is the worst/cheesy show, but when you think about it the show does have some merit about how important looks really are to people. On the show people who had gotten along and had a good connection, decided not to date at all or to continue what they had, because of how the other person looked. It made me think a lot about how I judge people and how every one I know judges people. If you think about the last time you were out and you met someone or saw someone from across the room, you judged them by how they looked, and you probably didnt even want to learn about who they are.

This show does raise some very interesting points. It makes you think.

The neighborhood

There are many good and also many bad things about living in Federal Hill. One of the worst things about living down here is that is like a grown-up college town. Some people view this as a good thing, and it does have its benefits, but one of the worst parts of knowing everyone and always seeing the same people is when you do not get along with someone or things like that it makes it crappy.
Right now I am referring to the fact that I was living with a girl 5 weeks ago, and we broke up and she has since started dating a new guy and stays at his place almost every night. As a whole, the situation sucks, but we are grown-ups so you move on and just deal with it. The problem with living down here, is that they live about 80 feet away from me. Every time I step out of my house, no matter what I am doing, there is a chance I can see them. I see his house, I see there cars, I see them walking the dog, and my friends see them all the time. I know(because she emailed me when we first broke up) that it is just as hard on her, but the fact that the break-up and all that stuff keeps getting thrown in my face and every day I have to see something that reminds me of it, just f'ing sucks.

That being said, there are tons of great things about living down in the city, and for now, there is no where else I would want to live.

Standing on a Plane

As I was recently on a plane, I realized how much I hate when people stand up once the plane lands. As I am aware, and I am sure everyone else in the world is aware, once the plane lands and pulls into the terminal, there is at least 8 minutes before people start to move. I have no idea why people stand up as soon as they can, and then just stand there staring around. I can get if their legs are sore, but still, there is no reason to stand for no reason for 10 minutes!!!!

29 and Single

Here I am, 29 and single. Part of me is happy to be in this position, and the other part of me is a little depressed about it.

Here is what I know now, I have a large group of close friends and about 95% of them are with someone special and are with the person that they will probably get married to. I thought I was with the person I was going to marry, I was very mistaken. I feel like a loser. This is how my friends follow:
Have a serious GF- Mike K, Matt M, Matt D, Brad C, Tj, Hall, Wes, Adam, Bill
Are not dating anyone- Chris R, Matt L, Bates

I am not happy about why I am single, but the upside is I have now been hurt and crushed and lied to by two different girls, that I think that there is no way it can happen again, so the next person I get serious with, will know my past and there is no way of that happening again.I am single and I can enjoy my life and when I meet someone, I will know it is right.

The flip side of that is, I am now 29, I have been divorced, I just got out of another serious relationship, am I now viewed as damaged goods or looked at as someone who a girl wouldn't want to be with?

The other thing that enters the equation is that I want to have a kid at some point. I don't know when that time will come, or what my life will bring me, but I know that this is what I have been dealt now, and now I have to move on.

What I truly want

What I truly want out of a relationship is pretty simple. I want to be happy and I want to find someone to be happy with. I want to be able to have the person I am dating, also be one of my best friends, not just my girlfriend. Of course there are other things that go into it, but those are mainly superficial, and I don't really have a certain style or taste. A lot of my friends like a certain type of body build, or certain color eyes or hair or something along those lines. I guess for me that stuff is not nearly important as the personality and the ability for the girl to not only have a good time with me, but be happy with herself. I want the person I am dating to be the first person I think about when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep. I want to talk to them all the time during the day. I don't mean talk to them for ever, but I want to be able to talk to them or email them whenever something happens, even if it is so little, I want to talk to her. That may seen weird and cheesy, but I just feel like if you are dating someone, they should also be one of your best friends.

I see so many people that are dating just to date and just to be with someone, when they are not even that close and both people know that eventually it won't work, but they still stay dating just to do it.

As I read this is sounds like part of a giant personal ad, but really the last two months has shown me a lot both in my life, and with what and who my friends choose to date, about who I am and what I am looking for and also what type of people my friends are and what they are looking for.

you only live once

As one of my friends just told me, you only live once, so you mine as well enjoy every second of it. I know this sounds like a corny line, but when you really think about it, you really only do live once, and you need to enjoy your life. Dylan has a song all about it, Cake has a song about it, etc…, but the bottom line is that you really only do live one life. Each person takes this a different way, and when I say this to people, it comes across as sounding as an excuse for getting wasted all the time and doing stupid things like that.
That is not what I mean at all. For each person it could mean something else, but it means you should be able to just enjoy your life and not be afraid try something new, and just always be happy. For some people that means reading a good book every night, for some people it means jumping out of a plane, the point is for each person it means something different. For me it means, not being afraid to try new thing, and not backing down to something just because I think I wouldn’t like it or enjoy it. I look around a lot and I see people making decisions all the time that I feel they are just making because they are afraid of something, or afraid of how someone will view them, or they think that it is maybe it isn’t something they want to do.
I am not in a position to judge anyone for their choices, I just know I am at the point in my life, where I am sick of not doing things because I am afraid or scared or I think someone will judge me in a certain way.
As I said earlier Dylan said” if your not busy being born, then you’re busy dying” and Cake said “ As soon as you’re born, you start dying, so you mine as well have a good time”. They are both sort of morbid, but they both have a meaning behind them.

my tattoo

People always ask about my tattoo and I always end up telling them the story about my mom and how she lived out west for so long and I spent so much time out there with her, and how I wanted to get something to remind me of her every day. I do eel bad sometimes when I tell people the story, because it is sort of a depressing story, and I never want to bring anyone down.




The yellow field and red symbol colors are the colors of Spain. First brought to New Mexico by Spanish explorers in 1540. On New Mexico's flag we see a red sun with rays streching out from it. There are four groups of rays with four rays in each group. This is an ancient sun symbol of a Native American people called the Zia. The Zia believed that the giver of all good gave them gifts in groups of four. These gifts are:

* The four directions - north, east, south and west.
* The four seasons - spring, summer, fall and winter.
* The day - sunrise, noon, evening and night.
* Life itself - childhood, youth, middle years and old age.

All of these are bound by a circle of life and love, without a beginning or end.

Web Pages I love

http://mylifeisaverage.com/
www.wwtdd.com
www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com
www.saidinbed.com
www.textsfromlastnight.com
www.awkardfamilyphotos.com

Trusting Girls

People always assume that guys are jerks and liers, and when a relationship goes bad, it is always the guys fault. Well, twice in the last month, I have seen things that just re-itterate how un-trustworthy girls can me, and it makes it tough to know that there are good, trusting girls out there, when I keep seeing things like this. Yes, I have seen 5 different marriages ruined by girls cheating, but I don’t judge that, and this has nothing to do with them.

2 weeks ago I was at the Oriole game with a bunch of my buddies. There was a girl in front of us with her boyfriend and they were arm and arm all night long. Around the 7^th inning, he got up and walked away, and the minute he walked away, she turned around and was all over one of my buddies. They were flirting and touching each other and everything, then 15 minutes he came back, and she want back to sitting with him and never turned around to look at my friends. Of course, we were all laughing at him, but my buddy that is engaged leaned over to me, and said he never wanted to be that guy and have a girl like that. I agree with him 100%. If I was dating a girl, and I knew she was doing that when I walked away, it would crush me. It is girls like that, that make good girls look bad.

Last weekend I was at a wedding, and there was a girl that was non-stop flirting with everyone at the wedding. She was all over every guy at the wedding, and back at the hotel she continued to be all over each guy. At about 215 am, she was flirting with one guy, and her boyfriend through the guy down to the ground and threatened the guy and said not to flirt with his girlfriend. The point of that is, this girl was all over every guy all night long, and her boyfriend was there the whole time. What was wrong with this girl that she felt the need to do that? If I was dating a girl, I would never want her to do that.

I know there are good, trusting girls out there, but things like this keep popping up.

Always the center of the social scene

For as long as I can remember, I have always been in the middle of the social scene no matter how old I was or where I was living. I am sure there are many reasons for this, and everyone I talk to has a different opinion on this, but all that matters to me, is I am no longer feeling the need to be that way, and it makes me happy. I guess since I moved to the city 2 years ago I have slowly been that way, but I am now truly seeing how stupid and dumb that was. I used to be so concerned about making sure I was out having a good time, and that I knew everything going on with everyone, etc. and I think I missed out on some really good times and really good friends because I was so worried with making sure I was trying to be every where at one time.

I have thinking a lot about this, and I have probably 2 pages of things I want to write about this, but I am just to tired to do it now.

Not drinking so much

I have hit a point in my life where I am not drinking as much, and I am truly happy about that. I know so many people that hit that point years ago, or never really drank that much to begin with, but with my group of friends and the way we live and what we do for fun, drinking and partying has always been part of our lifestyle.
I am at the point in my life now, where I am not only drinking as much, but I am able to go out to a bar or hang out at a house or party where people are drinking, and I can hang out and have just as much fun with out being wasted.
I still go out and have my fun, and yes I do get drunk, but it is nothing like the way I used to party. The other night I went out and met everyone at the bar for a little bit, and every person was asking me where I have been and what I have been up to, just because I hadn't been to the bars with them recently, and I realized that most of these people may not be my true friends, just guys that like to drink with me at the bar.
This has also showed me, that I am happy with myself and that I don't need other people to think a certain way about me, where as I used to care a lot what people thought about me. I guess what I mean by that, is because there is always this perception of me as a partier and stuff like that, that even if I didn't drink or go out for a year, most people would still view me as this crazy party guy and think I was out of control. I have given up trying to show to people that I have changed and all the good things about me, if people don't want to see for themselves and always want to view and think of me a certain way, I am not going to go out of my way to show them any different.

Emotions can change so quickly

The last 36 hours of my life have been probably the best 36 hours I have ever had, and yet here I am 12 hours after that thinking that this is starting the worst 36 hours I have ever had. It is amazing how quickly my emotions can change all because of one person, I hate that one person can have so much control over me and my emotions.

From this point on, there is no more letting one person have that much control over me.

how do you know a friend?

The more I evaluate my life and the more I talk to both my guy friends and my girl friends, I realize that everyone seems to at one time or another have a problem determining when someone is a friend and when there maybe feelings there and maybe you could like each other more than friends, but either both of you or one of you doesn't want to take that next step to find out.

I don't think that there is any way to stop this or make this better, but I find it funny that so many people are not willing to take that chance to see if there could be something there more than friends. It may be just me, but I feel the best relationships are based on friend ship and being close with some.

When i find my true love and the person I want to be with, I want that person to not only be my girlfriend and wife, but also my best friend.

Learned from dating

Now that I have been dating recently, I have learned how many truly crazy people there are out there in the world. I guess because I have always been in a relationship, and haven't dated recently, but I am meeting and seeing some truly crazy things.
As I was told by someone you should date to find the type of girls you don't like and the things that you don't find attractive, so you have a better idea what you like and what you are looking for.
I have learned so much about myself and what I look for in a women, that I would have never found out if I did not go on all these dates.

Having Kids

I was asked the other day if I would consider having a kid out of wedlock. I answered her with an immediate yes and came up with a reason why, but I have not been able to stop thinking about that since I was asked that question. There are so many answers I have to that question, and most of those answers lead me to more questions.

I automatically said that I would, but that it would depend on the girl. I do not want to just have a kid with someone I am not close with, but I could see myself being very close and in love with someone, but not being married to them, and still wanting to have a kid with them. It also made me think, if I was good friends with someone, could I have a kid with them, even if I knew me and her would never be married. I don't know if I could do that, but then again, I don't know exactly what I want in my life.

I guess I view things very differently when it comes to parents being married to raise a kid compared to the way most people think about it. I grew up as an only child whose parents got divorced when I was 6. I was able to see people who were not married raise a child and they both had so much love and care for me and they would both do anything they could for me. There was never a time, when they would bad mouth each other or try to use me to get to the other one or anything like that. I think that is a large part of why I would consider having a kid with someone "out of wedlock"
I also know what I would look for when I was looking for a women to be the mother of my child, and honestly, her love towards me, is not one of the top things. Obviously, if I was married, it would make things easier and would teach the kid about true love and family, but I think family values and love can be taught and learned even if the parents are not married, as long as the mother and father both have respect for each other and undevoted love towards the kid.
To me, I want the mother of my child to be a great women, who is loving and caring and smart, and someone I feel overall would be a great influence and someone that I would want my daughter to grow up and be like.

More reasons I am happy

I cant stop thinking about how much more happy I am, and i realize that I have cut back on things that I used to love. I realize now, that I really didn't love these things as much as I thought I did, and I was just forcing myself to love them, when in actuality I love many other things, and I love to be able to do what I want to enjoy my life. The first thing is my love of TV. I used to never want to miss certain shows, and I would always make plans around certain shows and things like that. In the last couple of months, I have still been recording shows, but I have not been watching nearly as much tv, and I am ok with it. I realize how much I was putting watching tv above everything else, and looking back I cant believe I was that stupid and that immature.

Another thing is my love of sports. I have always loved sports, but there are plenty of people that love sports, that didn't treat it the way I did. I used to put certain games or events ahead of everything else in life, and I missed out on so much. I messed up friendships and relationships bc I was so intro certain sports, that I didn't pay attention to having fun and enjoying my life. I still love sports, but now I am at the point where I am no longer ever going to put live sports or sports on tv ahead of my life and ahead of being able to have fun with someone. When I look back at how I used to be with regards to sports and tv, I just laugh at myself and realize what an idiot I was, and I am glad I am not like that anymore.

The final thing, is that I am single. I have not been truly single in a very, very long time. I like feeling this way, and I know that is also a big reason of why I am happy. The ironic thing is that I love being in a relationship with someone, and I love having that feeling of knowing that there is someone that cares for you and is always thinking about you, and they are there to listen to you, no matter what you have to say. The flip side of that, is I do like being single right now. I don't like it because I can now go out and flirt or hook up with anyone I want, I like it for what it enables me to do with my life. Being single has enabled me to truly find out more about myself and my life and what I really enjoy doing and what makes me happy. I am able to do whatever I want whenever I want, and I don't have responsibility for anyone else. I know this isn't directly related to being single, but being single does help. The other huge thing I started doing a couple months ago, which is really a help to me being happy is only doing things that I want to do, and not doing things just because someone else wants me to. I used to go to bars or go to certain events or do things that I didn't really want to do. I started only doing things that I want to do with my life and not letting other people dictate what I do.

Finally Happy

For once in my life( I just wanted to start with that line bc I am listening to Stevie Wonder right now) I am finally truly happy. Yes, there are certain things in my life that are not going exactly the way I want them, and they could be better, but overall, I am finally happy.

For as long as I can remember, I have never really been happy. I have acted happy, and put on a bunch of fronts, but there were always things that were keeping me from truly being happy.

I now find myself in a state of mind I am not used to feeling, and I realized last week, that the feeling was just me being happy. I do not want this feeling to go away, and I am sure there are numerous reasons that are playing into this and making me feel this way, and I just hope that this feeling does not go away.

For the last 3+ months, I have tried changing my life around, and I think that these changes are the main reason I am finally happy with my life. I have now completely stopped smoking pot, and I have never felt better. Also, I haven't totally stopped drinking, but I have dramatically cut down the amount of time I spend at bars, and also now, even when I am out, I am drinking way less. I think those two things are playing a huge part in me being happy. Also, I have been eating very healthy and working out all the time. I am finally happy and confident with my body, and I like how I look. I have never in my life felt good or confident about my body, and i was always embarrassed, but now I feel good about it. My new job is going great also. Finally, I think for the first time in a very long time, I have a very good read on my friends, and I know exactly where I stand with all of them. over the years, I think the mixture of my depression, smoking pot, and me not having good self esteem, always made me wonder about my friends, and who my true friends were and things like that. Now, I am truly confident and happy with all of my friends. Also, now that I have been going on some dates and meeting new people, hearing the good things they have to say about me and listening to them talk about why they like me, is def. a confidence builder. It is good to know that people like you.
Obviously, there are some things in my life I wish were different and I wish I could change, that would make me the happiest person in the world, but for now, I am ok with how I feel now and happy with the fact that for the first time, I am truly happy with myself and my life.

True Love

True Love means different things to different people. but all I know is that once you have and feel true love, that feeling doesn't go away, and if you try to act like it did go away and you push away the feelings, it is just going to make things worse.

True love is always thinking about someone else and always wondering not just what they are doing and how they feel and things like that. From the time you wake up until you fall asleep, you are always thinking about the other person. You wonder how there day is going, you wonder if they are smiling or not, you want to know every detail about there day and their life. Sometimes you think about your friends or family and wonder that stuff, but this is a different type of thinking. This is wondering how their morning went before they left to work, and you want to call them and just talk to them and see how they are and make sure they are happy. True love is wanting to hear every detail about their life and day, and no matter how much you talk to that person, it is never enough and you always want to talk to them and be with them more. True love is looking at a picture and having it make you think of that person, not just think, oh this picture makes me think of that person, but seeing it, smiling, and getting a good happy feeling all over your body.

Sometimes a certain song will be playing where you are, or a show or movie will be playing and it will remind you of a time in your life and it may make you smile or trigger a diff. emotion and make you think of an event or a person, but its a quick thought, and then you just move on. True love is hearing that same song or seeing that same show and having it make you not only think about the person you love, but makes you smile and feels good inside, and it makes you want to call that person and just tell them that you are happy and that you were thinking about them.

Sexually, true love will make any relationship better. Anyone can be in a relationship, and anyone can hook up. When people hook up, it is obv. going to feel good for both people, but it is just hooking up. If you really like someone, the hooking up gets a little better and there is more openness and it starts to feel better. When there is true love between 2 people, it makes the hooking up something that cant even be truly described in words. The closeness that 2 people can feel towards each other, makes hooking up so much better. True Love makes you want the other person so bad, that every time you are around them you want to rip their clothes off and just be with them. It makes you want to turn the other person on, just because you want them to feel good also. True love makes it so two people can lay in bed together, and they don't even need to hook up to feel the love and closeness. Just being able to lie with someone and hold each other in your arms, is just a good as a feeling as the actual hooking up.

True love is a great feeling, but as high as you can get on that feeling, it is also the worst feeling in the world when you had the true love, and now it is gone. The upside of that, is that if it was real and true love, then no matter where the two people go in their separate lives, that true love will not go away, and the closeness and the feelings that are there will always be there.

Smoking Pot

For as long as I can remember I have smoked pot. I have gone through phases where I don't do it a lot, but I am still smoking it. For the last 2 months or so, I haven't really smoked, and all the pot I had, I gave to a friend. I have never felt better about myself and my life. I am not saying that at some point in the future I may smoke again, but I will never go back to how I was. I realized that smoking pot was making me even more sad and more depressed, and was part of the reason I was making such bad decisions.

This last weekend, I gave the rest of my pot and my bowl to my buddy. I now own no bowl, no weed, and I have no intention of buying a new bowl or a bag anytime soon!!!

Playing Poker

I like to play poker and I know I am good at it, but for me it is not all about the money. I know a lot of poker players that do it just for the money, and I do like the money part of it, but I get the same thrill from playing for nickels and dimes as I do when I win a 1000 pot. For me, it is about the interaction of the people, and me having the ability to just clear my head. No matter what I am doing in my life, I always have at least 10 different thoughts running through my head, and I am always worried and thinking about other things. When I am doing something I enjoy and that makes me happy, I still have thoughts running through my mind that may make me depressed or confused or things like that.
When I am playing poker, I have no other thoughts. For me, when I play poker, it is just me and the people there and the cards. It is the only thing I can do that makes me happy where I am not thinking about anything else. I love that feeling of being able to do something I enjoy, and just be happy being there, and not having a ton of other things running through my head.

Ex's are so happy and in love, whats wrong with me

9 people that I have slept with and/or dated are engaged or living with a guy, and 3 more are in serious relationships with a guy. That is only what I know of. How can 12 people I used to date be so happy with there life, and yet I find myself feeling the complete opposite way? I guess I have to realize that I am just not what any girl is looking for, and girls just date me for fun or to fill a void, or because of some other reason, but over time they realize they want to go another direction in their life, and I get pushed to the side. I never get forgotten, I just slowly get erased from their memory.

The world of Dating

I am now single and in the dating world. This is a world I have not been in for a very, very long time. I tend to meet someone I like, and then I want to be with them and date them. Since I have been going out and going on dates, I am learning a lot about not only myself, but also about different people out there. For most of my life, anyone I have liked or dated has been someone that I either previously knew or was part of my social circle, and it just happened. The problem with that is where I live and always meeting people at bars, gets old, and it is so nice to meet people outside of my circle who do and enjoy many different things, not just going to fed hill bars.

I have never had a lot of self confidence for many reasons, but I never truly( and I still don't really get why) understood why girls liked me and are attracted to me. I am learning more now about why women do like me, and the type of person I truly am. I am realizing now, that because I spent most of my time meeting girls at bars or through my friends at bars, I was only meeting one type of girl, and those girls all had certain values and certain ways of viewing life, and I was starting to think that those were the only girls that were around.

I am now seeing more about the other women that are out there, and what they are like, and what they look for in guys. A friend recently told me that the point of dating is not really to go out and find your true love right away, but to date and find out exactly what you don't like, and that way it will be a lot easier to find the right person for you, because you have a better idea of what you do and don't like.
I am learning that people really like my personality, my eyes, my smile, and just my overall view on life. I guess I never really saw any of those qualities in myself, but I am starting to be more self confident now. I guess it just took meeting some girls outside of my social circle, to start to see what girls see in me.

The flip side of that for me is that I do not think I want to be dating. I have been on dates recently and I have a good time on them, and all that sort of stuff, but I am realizing that after you have a good time on a date, then its time for more dates and you start to get closer, etc.. I do love knowing that people out there like me, it really does help the confidence, but at the same time, I don't necessarily want to go out with someone I may or may not like, and then have them start to like me, and all of a sudden, I find myself in a relationship, and I am not ready for that yet.

The ultimate question I have to ask myself, is am I ready to go on these dates, am I ready to start dating just one girl, why do I feel the need to keep going out with these, where do I want my life to go in regards with women? Once I can answer all of these questions for myself, I think I will be truly ready to date again.

Saying I love you

I have learned over the years, that the term I love you is becoming over used and watered down for lack of a better term. People get in a relationhship wiht someone, and they are having a good time, and thinking that they may care for someone, and they start throwing that term around. I used to think that saying that to someone was something special, and it was something that should only be said to someone if you truly mean it and if you truly do love someone. Telling someone that you are starting to fall for them, or that you can see your self falling in love with them is pointless and is just hurtful. A person should just know if they love somone or if they just really like someone and really get along with each other. It is un fair to play with someone's emotions like that.

Moving on

Moving on from something is one of the hardest things to do in your life, and I used to think it was just me that had a very hard time with it, but it seems to me that most people find it hard to move on be it from a job, relationship, house, etc..
I find myself in a situation now where I am moving on from a job and a relationship, and it is harder than I thought.

Trust

My friends, both guy friends and girlfriends, always ask me to open up and be honest with them and tell me what is going on in my life. Every once in a while, I finally trust someone enough, and I am open and honest about what I am feeling or what is going on in my life, and after I tell them that, it comes back to shoot me in the foot, and I regret ever being honest with them. This has been happening to me year after year, and now I am so hesitant about being open and honest with someone, that sometimes I come across as either a liar or just the person thinks I don't think i am that close with them, bc I don't open up with them.

Recently, there have been 2 people that I decided I should finally open up about certain things and be honest with them. Both times have gone exactly how they have gone in the past. The person ends up using what I told them against me in a way to hurt me, and I am just fucking sick of it. All I have learned over the years, is that if I am truly open and honest with someone and tell them things, it ends up bad and more times than not, that info ends up getting used against me.
I am so sick of trusting people and having that trust thrown back into my face.

Songs, Movies, etc...

As we get older in life, we accumulate more and more life experiences. Part of these experiences include tv shows, movies, songs, etc.. that you share with someone else, and then when you see or hear it again, it makes you think of a certain person, or place, or event. I wonder, am I weird for never having that feeling of connection go away. I wonder, do other people feel the same way, or is that connection supposed to go away after time. Regardless if it is an ex-girlfriend, or a memory from a party in high school, or something from a friend that I haven't spoken to in years, when I hear certain songs or see certain scenes from a show or movie, I relate it to a past thing, and I wonder if I am crazy for doing that, or is that something that is normal, and I just don't know that other people do that.

Do I hate myself?

The easy answer to this question should be of course not, but over the course of my life and especially the last year or so, I am starting to think that I may. I have always had a gambling, addictive type of personality towards a lot of things, but I am starting to see how that had backfired on me, and now I have no idea what to do and how to change it.
As I told someone recently, I feel like I am in a deep hole that I dug myself, and I can't get out of it. I dig myself deeper and deeper in this hold by making certain decisions about my life, and then when I get so deep, I start to find my way out of that hole anyway possible, and it may not always be the best way to get out, but I finally find myself standing on level ground above the hole, and then I immediately find myself right back at the bottom of the hole. 99% of the reasons that I always ending up being back in the hole, are made my me and it is like I am purposefully making these bad choices and bad decisions just to make my life harder. Every decision I make about my life from how to spend my money, where to work, what to do on a nightly basis, how to handle my girl life, etc.. I know what I want to do, and I know what I should do, yet I keep finding myself doing the opposite of both. I have no idea why I do that, and I have started to see someone professionally to try to figure it out, but it really bothers me why I do that.
Recently I have made some decisions about my girl life, my friends, how I am spending/saving my money, and now currently what to do about my job, that I am thinking I may not have made the right decision on any single one of those. In each of those, I may have made the right choice for part of it, but overall, it is like I know what I truly want, yet I do something different. I am not sure why I do that, but until I stop sabotaging my own life, I am never going to be able to be happy and/or get out of these holes that I dig.

New Job

I find myself in a position that I have found myself in over and over again. I am at a job I like, and I am doing well and another job opportunity comes up. Every time it has been for a different reason, normally it is because I am out searching for a new job, but this time the new job came to me. They are pushing hard for me to leave where I currently am and head over there. I have been thinking long and hard about it every day since the offer, and now the time is getting close to where I have to have an answer for them. The job is so different then what I am doing now, both in location, pay, responsibility, type of company, etc..

I have realized over the years that I love sales, I am very good at sales, and any career I have will include me being in sales. I do not know what is holding me back from accepting this new job, but that is what I have to figure out. This job is more money, better hours, easier work, but for some reason I am hesitant. I feel like I am at a point in my life that maybe I shouldn't be job hopping around. I think I know the real reason, but I do not want to admit it to myself. All I know is that I have to dmake a decision by the end of this week, and this is not a little decision. I have started something here at the Sun, and do I really want to pick up and just leave it to start something that could or couldn't work out.

Letter to my dad

On the whole open and honesty kick, I finally opened up and was honest with my dad. Here is the letter I wrote to him:

You always ask me how I am doing, and what is going on, and for me to be honest with you. You always want to know, and I never am truly open or honest with you, but I figure since you always ask, I should finally tell you the truth.

I am not happy, I have never really been happy, and I don't see any time in the future how I can be truly happy. The rest of this letter will explain most of it, so don't just read it over very quickly, actually pay attention to it.

From whenever I can remember, I have always led different lives. I would just do stuff or say stuff to be friends or to make someone happy, but more times than not, it was not really how I was feeling, but I did it anyway. Looking back now and talking to doctors it was pretty obvious that I had ADD for most of my life, and that I was also very depressed. I never dealt with it when I was younger, so I had to just deal with it. I feel like I have been leading 3 or 4 lives my whole life. I know I am a very nice and caring person, and inside I am a very good person, but for some reason I don't always act that way. I have always acted in a way, so that other people will like me. That has caused me over the years, to have many different groups of friends, but also have separate lives.

As I have gotten older, I have learned to stop doing that, even though I still do it every once in a while. I am working on trying to be happier and just be myself and do things for me, but I feel like I have dug myself in such a whole (not really a financial hole, just an overall life hole). When I go to talk to these doctors and people that I have talked to in the past, I am not 100% honest with them, so I realize I am not getting the most out of it that I could be getting. The problem is, I have a feeling if I went back and talked to someone, I would still not be 100% honest with them. There is always so much going on with me, and so many things that are upsetting and bothering me, yet I have never told anyone about them. In different ways, I have told all my problems to different people, but I pick and choose what I tell them and how I tell them, so it doesn't seem so bad. I don't think anyone I know, knows how truly depressed I am all the time. I wish there was a specific reason that I could pinpoint, and then take care of it, but that is not the case. I have been taking the adderal and xanex, and they help, but they more help mask things and do not really help the overall problem.

On the money side of it, you know how I am. I have had times where I have had tons of money and was making a ton, and I have had times where I have no money. I have never changed my personality with that. I have never let money either a lot or a little affect the way I think and act. Obviously, right now I do not have as much money as I used to have, but that is not really affecting me that is just something else that is always on my mind. I guess part of my depression, is that bc of my ADD there are always numerous things on my mind, and most of them just bring me down. The other problem, is I live a very care-free, worry-free life. I got a lot of that from all the time I spent with mom in New Mexico. I learned that there is so much more to life, and not to worry about little things, and to just try to be happy over all.

I know that the lack of caring about certain things is another reason I am always not happy. Over the years, I have somehow convinced myself, to just be happy and not worry about things to much, and that things will always work out. The problem is I have convinced myself so much of that, that I lead my life like that, but yet all those scared and nervous thoughts are still in my head, and I just try to push them away. When those thoughts pile up, that is where I become depressed. Like right now, I have some serious issues going on in my life, and yet I act like everything is fine, and I am not sure why I do that.

As you probably know, I am always asking you how I look when you see me. Honestly, I don't really care that much, it is more about how low my self esteem is, and how much I seek approval from people. I am not sure why I do this, but I know that I am never happy with myself or my life, and I think that is why I do what I do with my jobs and my girlfriends( Ill get to both of those later). All I want is to be happy in my life, and for some reason I cant do it. I feel like I always have so much going on, and then when things finally are good and worked out with me, I find a way to mess it up. By mess it up, I mean I am purposely doing things to make my life more difficult, almost like I am trying to ruin my own life. I am not going this on purpose; it just seems to be the cycle, that I am constantly doing things to make my life more difficult and in turn it makes me more depressed.

Every once in a while, I think it still has something to do with Amie, but then I convince myself that it doesn't. I know my first mistake with all of that, is that I never talked to anyone about what happened, it just happened, and I went on with my life. I think I just convince myself to try to forget what happened, and to act like everything was fine, that now I am paying the consequences for it. I did the same thing when Mom died, I just moved on, and never talked to anyone about it, and I still think about it, and wonder things about it, and I know I probably wouldn't if I had talked to someone about it. After I kicked Amie out of the house, I stopped caring about everything, money, job, friends, etc.. I just went out and did what I wanted, and didn't care about my life at all. I was very irresponsible and did very stupid things, but just kept telling myself it was ok, because of what she did to me. I now see how bad that was, but I can not go back in the past and change things, so now I just have to deal with it.

The way I treat the girls I date is something that I have no idea why I do it, but all I want to do is stop, and I can't. From the first girl I dated after Amie up to Emily, they have all ended the same way. Things would be going great, and we would hit a point, where she really started to like me, and would want to make things a little more serious, and I would get scared, push her away, and go to someone else. Never once, did I truly want to do that, and I still wanted to date the person, but for some reason I got scared, pushed them away, and made myself unhappy. I sit around and all I want it to be in a relationship with someone I care about, and someone that cares about me, yet when I get that, I find a way to ruin it and push the girl away and make myself depressed. I have no idea why I do this to all the girls in my life. Some people ( books, doctors, etc.) will say I have a serious trust issues with women due to what Mom did to you, and then she lied to me about the cancer at the beginning, and then everything that Amie did to me. I can understand if I have some trust issues, but that does not explain why I keep doing things to purposely make my life awful and miserable. I tell girls that I am not ready for a relationship and that I need to be single and enjoy my life, but then I sit around just wanting to be in a relationship, and when the girl is ready, I push them away. I truly think that if I wasn't so depressed and if I was actually happy with my life that I would not do this to women, and I would be able to hold down a steady relationship.

The other thing that makes me feel awful all the time, and the main reason I never tell you anything is because when I tell you stuff I feel very guilty and awful and embarrassed. I know some of what you have been through in your life( I probably don't know it all) and I know that you have always done the right thing, and you have always done what you had to do, and you were always able to make things work for you.

For some reason, I can not make things work out for me. You raised me as a single father, because your wife left you, you grew up with a step mom that you didn't even love and didn't have a great relationship with her, , etc.. I just know you have been through so many tough things in your life, and never once have you complained to me, and even if you were sad or upset, you never let me know, and you never showed it. It makes me feel so bad when things are wrong with me bc I feel stupid bc I know you dealt with it on your own with no help from anyone, and somehow I cant. How can I talk to you about the pain of what happened with me and Amie, bc you will just let me know that I need to stop being a pussy because you went through it also, and I just have to grow up and move on. I can't talk to you about having money problems, because you never had a lot of money, and you always got bye fine. I can't talk to you about my self depression or lack of self esteem, because then I just feel stupid for having all these problems and issues and putting them on you. I can't talk to my friends about most of this stuff, because this is just stuff you do not talk to them about. You have your own life with Patty. Patty comes from a very nice, normal family and upbringing. You guys have your happy life and I feel like I am the only thing bringing you guys down, and I am the only reason that you guys would not be 100% happy in your life. You guys have your friends, and her family and everything. Yes, I love patty and I know she loves and cares for me, but I also know how she must feel about me. She met me when I was 14, and for the last 14 years has seen me do things to slowly destroy my life. I cant imagine how either one of you still have any respect for me. I figure if I wasn't so sad, and if I had my life more together, you two would moved away to Florida or the beach, or any of the other places you talk about. When I got into college, sean was already in college, so mom and rich decided they could move away, bc we were growing up, and the moved to New Mexico. I feel that if I wasn't such a screw up, you and Patty would be way happier with your life, and I just feel like I am giant burden on both of you. All of that may not be true, but I am a depressed person( doctors say I am bi-polar, another one said I am a manic depressant person) and that is how I fell sometimes, and because of that, I can never truly be honest and open with you, because I am so embarrassed, and I know that any issue or problem that I have, you have dealt with 10 times worse, and you always got through it, so what is wrong with me, that I cant get through these things.

I do not know what do to that can make my life better. As I have learned over the years, no girl, no amount of money, no job, can truly make me happy. I have never been truly happy with myself, and I just wish that would go away. Every time I am out with my friends, or any time someone asks me how I am doing, and say fine or good, that may be true for that exact moment in time, but overall, I really am not, and its slowly killing me and just making me more and more depressed every day.

Letter to my friends

For the first time in my life, I am truly trying to be open and honest with people that are close to me. I wrote the following letter to some of my best friends:

I know I do not always tell you how I appreciate our friendship, but I do. I know I always seem to tell you all the positive things going on in my life, and always make seem that things are great and perfect, but they are not, and for some reason I have no problem talking about the good things, but never, ever the bad things. I am working hard to stop talking about all the good things, bc as good as some things are, there are plenty of things that are bad and wrong, and if I am not going to talk about them at all, why should I be talking about all the good things.

As you know, I have always been depressed and that is something that is never going to truly go away, but I am working on it. For the last couple of months, I have been pretty depressed. I know I say everything is good, and I always try to be happy, but the truth is I am not.

The reason I am telling you this, is not for you to feel sorry for me at all, since there is nothing you can really do, it is more to let you know what is going on with me, and to try to explain things to my friends. I have realized part of my depression is that I am not truly with myself, and part of that comes from not being able to be open and honest with my friends. If I look at someone as my best friend, I should be able to talk to them about good and bad things in my life, not just the good things, and then pretend everything is good when it is really not. You are one of my best friends, and I just wanted you to know that I appreciate it a lot. You two have always been there for me, and I know I can always count on you guys for anything.