What I want

When I broke up with her, I wasn't sure if I had made the right decision or not, because I was not sure exactly what I wanted. After this last weekend, I realized what I am looking for not only in my own life, but what I would want from someone I was dating(what Matt and Erin have). This has nothing to do with her, she was and still is the best thing to ever happen to my life, but the timing was just off from what we both wanted and what we were looking for. Most people assume, I just want to be able and date and hook up with whoever I want to, and that is why I don't want to be in a relationship. That is not the case at all. For me, right now in my life, it is about doing what makes me happy, and having space and freedom to live my life the way I want to live it, and not be responsible for someone else. I thought I was ready and I wanted the serious 24/7 relationship, but over time I have realized that I was not. It sucks, because the girl I was with was ready for that, and any guy would be lucky to have her, but again, the timing was just off. I will never stop loving and/or caring for her, and it sucks for the next girl I date, whenever that is, because she will be compared to her, but I don't see how anyone I ever meet will compare to her. I guess part of me hopes that about her, and that all the guys she dates after me will not live up to me, and maybe when I am ready for what she wants, she will still be ready for me. Prior experiences( 4 of the last 5 girls I dated were looking for that also, and they are all either engaged or living with a new BF now) have told me that she wont, but then again, she is a very different person then anyone I have ever dated, and I feel stronger about her then any other girl I have ever dated, so only time can tell. For now, I have to accept that I broke up with her, and as hard as it is for me to not call or email her every detail about my life, I have to respect that we are not dating, and I have to let her get on with her own life, without me in it.

Anyway, this weekend gave me an idea of what I am looking for. When I left work on Friday, I didn't really have an idea of what I was doing that night. I had some different options, but I knew it was 100% up to me, and I could go where I wanted and hang out with who I want and that was all that mattered. I didn't have to have set plans, and I didn't have to know that if I did something without my girlfriend, then I had to explain where I was and what I was doing, and why I would rather do that then be with her. I ended up going going to the gym after work, then went to a bar and had dinner and some beers with my friends. This wasn't a planned activity, it just came up when I got a phone call when I left the gym. I like having the freedom to get a phone call and just be able to go and do something.. Eventually, I left there and went to a friends house and played poker all night.
Saturday morning, I woke up, and I knew that we were having a crab feast at my House all day and people would be coming over, but I knew I could just have fun and relax and do whatever I wanted. I ended up leaving my house at 8, and going out to watch the VT game, then stayed at the bar. I left around 1245 to go home, because I wanted to leave, not because someone else wanted to, and not because my gf was at home, and I knew I should have been with her and not at a bar. When I woke up on Sunday, I had no plans and no direction of where my day was doing. Again, I could do whatever I wanted, however I wanted to do it, and I didn't have to account for anyone else except myself. I know all of this sounds very selfish when I type it out, but if I don't give myself time to make myself happy and be truly happy with myself, I will never be able to be fully ready for a full relationship. Anyway, I watched the ravens game on my couch with my roommate and had some snacks. Then, I got a call from one of my buddies who really wanted to watch his team play at 4, but it wasn't on tv, so he had to go to a bar, so i decided to go down with him to get some food. I didn't drink at all the whole time I was there. I didn't go bc I wanted to go to a bar, i went because it was what I wanted to do at the time, so I just got off the couch, showered and went and met him. It all showed me that I really wasn't ready for a real, 24/7 marriage like relationship and that I need time to be alone and single before I am truly ready for that.
Who knows when that is something I will want with my life, but for now, I know that being single and having my space and freedom is what I need and want in my life.