Here is the problem with suffering from depression. You find yourself always worrying and you find yourself wanting people to like you, and you find yourself wanting acceptance from other people. For me, that is so crazy, because the majority of my life, I have done what I want, how I want, and people can either like me or not. But, at the same time, I do think that people don't like me, and there are certain times that I want people to view me a certain way, and I want people to not necessarily like me, but at least to have a good impression of me. As I am sitting here typing this, I am realizing how stupid this would seem to any person that read it, but at the same time, most people do not go through what I go through on a daily basis with the depression and the self esteem issues etc.
I have led my life a certain way ever since I got divorced. I am not sure if it was the divorce that triggered it, or what it is, but since then I feel like my life has been in a downward spiral. I was living in a house with my gf/fiance, I was gardening every day, our big night out was dinner then home to a movie, I didnt have the need to always be at a bar, i didn't care what any one thought of me, I didnt need to be out etc. For some reason, once I kicked her out of the house, my life went downhill. Certain things were great, i had some great times, I met some great people, I gained some great friends, but overall it's like I went from being a grown up and I just started regressing at a rapid pace. Part of the problem was everyone just empathized with it and encouraged it and was like, just get it all out of your system. The problem, is that is not who I was, and it didn't really show what type of person i am. Because of how I was living my life, I lost perspective of who I really was, and what I really stood for.
Next thing I know, 3 years has passed and I woke up and found myself still living that life. I looked back and I saw how many mistakes I had made and how many bad desicions I had made, how I had hurt people I truly cared about, and I realized the overall way I was leading my life and how that was not the person I want to me, and that was not the person that I truly was on the inside. At that point, I realized I had to change everything about my life to get to a place that I was happy with and to start living my life the way I wanted it and to get back to being the person that I know I truly am. The first thing was to move out and to live on my own. That was huge for me. that got me away from some very bad influences in my life. From that point on, every day I am working to get my life back together to the way I want it to be. I want to make up for every bad desicion made. I wish I could un-hurt every person I hurt, and I wish I could change the opinion that so many people about me. I know I can't and I know that is just something I am going to have to live with now.
The flip side of that is over the last 3 years, I have led a life I am not exactly proud of. I have come across a lot of people over that time. I truly wish I could go back and change the perception that so many people have about me, but I know that is not something that can happen. All I know is that every day of my life, I just have to live my life the way I want it, and to live it the way that makes me the happiest and maybe over time people will see I truly have changed and they will see me for person I truly am, and not the immature, irresponsible, stupid, drinking to much, caring to much about social acceptance, person that I have been over the last 3 years.
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