When someone I know and someone I am Friends with has a parent die, I take it very hard. There are many reasons for this, but I think the main two are that a. I never fully coped with my mom's death and it still eats at me how the whole funeral/ grieving situation was handled and b. I know( unfortunately) how difficult it is to lose a parent.
I try to be there for them as much as I can. Sometimes that means just showing up at a viewing, sometimes it means doing the eulogy, sometimes it just means being able to answer a phone call and listen to them. Whatever it is, I am more then willing to do.
I remember when my mom died, thinking that I do not want anyone I know to have to go through this pain and overall shitty feeling.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Am I a good person or a bad person
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. At first impression I say, of course I am a good person. Then, someone told me that I was a bad person and that I have no morals and that they can't trust me, and that they think I am just an overall bad person. That me think a lot about my life and who I truly am.
I started to think that if someone said name 5 of your friends who are good people, I could do that in a second, and if they said name 5 people you know that are just bad people, I could do that very quickly also. I started to wonder that if anyone I knew would put me in either category. I would like to think that I would sometimes be in the first category, and I would hope that I would never be in the second category. Yes, I have made some mistakes in the past, and I have done things I am not happy or proud that I did, but that doesnt make me a bad person at all.
When I think of an overall good person, I think of someone that more times then not is always doing the right thing, they are always nice, they are not dicking people over, they love their family, they have good friends, and you just know that you can always count on them if you need them. When I think of someone that is a bad person with no morals, I think of someone who mainly only cares about them self. They are the person that if there is ever something bad that can be done, they will 100 out of 100 times take that route. They will be rude and mean to everyone, except for whatever people they are hanging out with at that minute, if they are a guy, they will only acknowledge a girl if there is chance they could sleep with them, and if not, they will not even say hi and they will be a complete dick to that girl. There are other things, but I guess I just want to always be considered in the top part of that.
An example of an overall good person is Brad Carey. 6 of us went out on a charted rockfish trip a couple years ago. There is a limit on how many rockfish you can actually catch and keep. I had no idea of this. I am not a big fisher,but all of the other guys on the trip were. Apparently, most people if they are having a good day will just keep some over the limit, because no one actually checks in the coolers and counts them. Well, we hit the limit for how many we could catch, and 3 of the guys wanted to keep fishing and keeping more, and brad was addiment about not keeping any more bc that was against the rules, and he would not participate or stand by anything like that. It was at that moment, I realized how good of a person he was.
With me, I think I am a great person. I care more about making other people happy then I do keeping myself happy. that can be a fault sometimes, but I just always want all my friends to be happy and they all know that no matter what, I will always be there for them no matter what they need. I am a good person, and I know I am a good person. The problem is I have made mistakes in the past and made some bad decisions that give the impression that I am not a good person and because of that, I still have to live knowing that certain people still view me as a bad person, and that eats me up every day :(
I started to think that if someone said name 5 of your friends who are good people, I could do that in a second, and if they said name 5 people you know that are just bad people, I could do that very quickly also. I started to wonder that if anyone I knew would put me in either category. I would like to think that I would sometimes be in the first category, and I would hope that I would never be in the second category. Yes, I have made some mistakes in the past, and I have done things I am not happy or proud that I did, but that doesnt make me a bad person at all.
When I think of an overall good person, I think of someone that more times then not is always doing the right thing, they are always nice, they are not dicking people over, they love their family, they have good friends, and you just know that you can always count on them if you need them. When I think of someone that is a bad person with no morals, I think of someone who mainly only cares about them self. They are the person that if there is ever something bad that can be done, they will 100 out of 100 times take that route. They will be rude and mean to everyone, except for whatever people they are hanging out with at that minute, if they are a guy, they will only acknowledge a girl if there is chance they could sleep with them, and if not, they will not even say hi and they will be a complete dick to that girl. There are other things, but I guess I just want to always be considered in the top part of that.
An example of an overall good person is Brad Carey. 6 of us went out on a charted rockfish trip a couple years ago. There is a limit on how many rockfish you can actually catch and keep. I had no idea of this. I am not a big fisher,but all of the other guys on the trip were. Apparently, most people if they are having a good day will just keep some over the limit, because no one actually checks in the coolers and counts them. Well, we hit the limit for how many we could catch, and 3 of the guys wanted to keep fishing and keeping more, and brad was addiment about not keeping any more bc that was against the rules, and he would not participate or stand by anything like that. It was at that moment, I realized how good of a person he was.
With me, I think I am a great person. I care more about making other people happy then I do keeping myself happy. that can be a fault sometimes, but I just always want all my friends to be happy and they all know that no matter what, I will always be there for them no matter what they need. I am a good person, and I know I am a good person. The problem is I have made mistakes in the past and made some bad decisions that give the impression that I am not a good person and because of that, I still have to live knowing that certain people still view me as a bad person, and that eats me up every day :(
Do I really care what people think, and if I do, how do you change that?
Here is the problem with suffering from depression. You find yourself always worrying and you find yourself wanting people to like you, and you find yourself wanting acceptance from other people. For me, that is so crazy, because the majority of my life, I have done what I want, how I want, and people can either like me or not. But, at the same time, I do think that people don't like me, and there are certain times that I want people to view me a certain way, and I want people to not necessarily like me, but at least to have a good impression of me. As I am sitting here typing this, I am realizing how stupid this would seem to any person that read it, but at the same time, most people do not go through what I go through on a daily basis with the depression and the self esteem issues etc.
I have led my life a certain way ever since I got divorced. I am not sure if it was the divorce that triggered it, or what it is, but since then I feel like my life has been in a downward spiral. I was living in a house with my gf/fiance, I was gardening every day, our big night out was dinner then home to a movie, I didnt have the need to always be at a bar, i didn't care what any one thought of me, I didnt need to be out etc. For some reason, once I kicked her out of the house, my life went downhill. Certain things were great, i had some great times, I met some great people, I gained some great friends, but overall it's like I went from being a grown up and I just started regressing at a rapid pace. Part of the problem was everyone just empathized with it and encouraged it and was like, just get it all out of your system. The problem, is that is not who I was, and it didn't really show what type of person i am. Because of how I was living my life, I lost perspective of who I really was, and what I really stood for.
Next thing I know, 3 years has passed and I woke up and found myself still living that life. I looked back and I saw how many mistakes I had made and how many bad desicions I had made, how I had hurt people I truly cared about, and I realized the overall way I was leading my life and how that was not the person I want to me, and that was not the person that I truly was on the inside. At that point, I realized I had to change everything about my life to get to a place that I was happy with and to start living my life the way I wanted it and to get back to being the person that I know I truly am. The first thing was to move out and to live on my own. That was huge for me. that got me away from some very bad influences in my life. From that point on, every day I am working to get my life back together to the way I want it to be. I want to make up for every bad desicion made. I wish I could un-hurt every person I hurt, and I wish I could change the opinion that so many people about me. I know I can't and I know that is just something I am going to have to live with now.
The flip side of that is over the last 3 years, I have led a life I am not exactly proud of. I have come across a lot of people over that time. I truly wish I could go back and change the perception that so many people have about me, but I know that is not something that can happen. All I know is that every day of my life, I just have to live my life the way I want it, and to live it the way that makes me the happiest and maybe over time people will see I truly have changed and they will see me for person I truly am, and not the immature, irresponsible, stupid, drinking to much, caring to much about social acceptance, person that I have been over the last 3 years.
I have led my life a certain way ever since I got divorced. I am not sure if it was the divorce that triggered it, or what it is, but since then I feel like my life has been in a downward spiral. I was living in a house with my gf/fiance, I was gardening every day, our big night out was dinner then home to a movie, I didnt have the need to always be at a bar, i didn't care what any one thought of me, I didnt need to be out etc. For some reason, once I kicked her out of the house, my life went downhill. Certain things were great, i had some great times, I met some great people, I gained some great friends, but overall it's like I went from being a grown up and I just started regressing at a rapid pace. Part of the problem was everyone just empathized with it and encouraged it and was like, just get it all out of your system. The problem, is that is not who I was, and it didn't really show what type of person i am. Because of how I was living my life, I lost perspective of who I really was, and what I really stood for.
Next thing I know, 3 years has passed and I woke up and found myself still living that life. I looked back and I saw how many mistakes I had made and how many bad desicions I had made, how I had hurt people I truly cared about, and I realized the overall way I was leading my life and how that was not the person I want to me, and that was not the person that I truly was on the inside. At that point, I realized I had to change everything about my life to get to a place that I was happy with and to start living my life the way I wanted it and to get back to being the person that I know I truly am. The first thing was to move out and to live on my own. That was huge for me. that got me away from some very bad influences in my life. From that point on, every day I am working to get my life back together to the way I want it to be. I want to make up for every bad desicion made. I wish I could un-hurt every person I hurt, and I wish I could change the opinion that so many people about me. I know I can't and I know that is just something I am going to have to live with now.
The flip side of that is over the last 3 years, I have led a life I am not exactly proud of. I have come across a lot of people over that time. I truly wish I could go back and change the perception that so many people have about me, but I know that is not something that can happen. All I know is that every day of my life, I just have to live my life the way I want it, and to live it the way that makes me the happiest and maybe over time people will see I truly have changed and they will see me for person I truly am, and not the immature, irresponsible, stupid, drinking to much, caring to much about social acceptance, person that I have been over the last 3 years.
30,000 americans a year commit suicide
Some people think suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do. I on the other hand, 100% understand why people do it. I have to assume that most people that do it are deeply depressed and sad and that combines with not having people to talk to about it, not having people you can trust and the feeling that no matter what you do in your life, things will never be better.
More and more every day I understand why people do this and I just feel bad for them. I have to assume that if that many people kill them self each year, I have to think that probably 10 times as many people have the thought somewhere along the lime.
Most people do not know what it is like to be depressed every day. Most people do not know what it is like so be sad and have low self-esteem every day. Most people can not grasp that every day you wake up, even if you have things going good for you, you are still down, you still are stressed, you still think people are judging you, or saying things about you etc. The point is, when you suffer from serious depression and you get anxiety and you have low self-esteem or any sort of combo of those, life is very difficult on an everyday basis.
I think one of the main reasons people do commit suicide has to do with not being able to talk to anyone about the feelings they have. You can not go to your parents and talk to them, because they will over react. You convince yourself that what you are thinking is dumb and stupid and you aren't really that depressed and you would never do anything, so there is no reason to tell your parents. You can not go to any of your friends, even your best friends, because you feel so ashamed and embarrassed about how you feel and you realize that they wouldn't understand and when you suffer from depression and the low self-esteem you convince yourself that not only would no one care about any of your problems, but that no one else is depressed at all and no one else is sad and that everyone else's life is perfect so you get to scared/embarrassed to talk to them about it. Instead, you are stuck by yourself in this depressed bubble of life and every day is a struggle. Yes, they have all types of pills you can take that can help, but one of the main problems is that when any little thing happens, instead of just letting it happen and then move on from it, you end up dwelling on it and it eats you up inside. You end up not wanting to go out in public, you get this feeling of all you want to do is crawl up in a ball or just turn off all the lights and hide in your room from the world.
I guess the point is, I understand why people do kill themselves, and under no circumstance is it selfish at all. I can see if someone, say a father of 3, gets fired, go and gets hammered and kills himself thinking he can not go on or something like that. But, for the most part, it is people that are truly depressed. They have either never talked to anyone about it, or they just do not know how to deal with it. They truly think that not only would no one miss them at all if they killed them self, they also think that their life is just so shitty that no matter what it can not get better and nothing can make them happy. When you have those thoughts all the time, it can add up, and then they end up doing it. It is a very awful thing, but again, the average person doesn't get it, and the average person has a good, happy life and they could never understand what it is like to be depressed and get sad and to think that everything is down and that things could never get better.
More and more every day I understand why people do this and I just feel bad for them. I have to assume that if that many people kill them self each year, I have to think that probably 10 times as many people have the thought somewhere along the lime.
Most people do not know what it is like to be depressed every day. Most people do not know what it is like so be sad and have low self-esteem every day. Most people can not grasp that every day you wake up, even if you have things going good for you, you are still down, you still are stressed, you still think people are judging you, or saying things about you etc. The point is, when you suffer from serious depression and you get anxiety and you have low self-esteem or any sort of combo of those, life is very difficult on an everyday basis.
I think one of the main reasons people do commit suicide has to do with not being able to talk to anyone about the feelings they have. You can not go to your parents and talk to them, because they will over react. You convince yourself that what you are thinking is dumb and stupid and you aren't really that depressed and you would never do anything, so there is no reason to tell your parents. You can not go to any of your friends, even your best friends, because you feel so ashamed and embarrassed about how you feel and you realize that they wouldn't understand and when you suffer from depression and the low self-esteem you convince yourself that not only would no one care about any of your problems, but that no one else is depressed at all and no one else is sad and that everyone else's life is perfect so you get to scared/embarrassed to talk to them about it. Instead, you are stuck by yourself in this depressed bubble of life and every day is a struggle. Yes, they have all types of pills you can take that can help, but one of the main problems is that when any little thing happens, instead of just letting it happen and then move on from it, you end up dwelling on it and it eats you up inside. You end up not wanting to go out in public, you get this feeling of all you want to do is crawl up in a ball or just turn off all the lights and hide in your room from the world.
I guess the point is, I understand why people do kill themselves, and under no circumstance is it selfish at all. I can see if someone, say a father of 3, gets fired, go and gets hammered and kills himself thinking he can not go on or something like that. But, for the most part, it is people that are truly depressed. They have either never talked to anyone about it, or they just do not know how to deal with it. They truly think that not only would no one miss them at all if they killed them self, they also think that their life is just so shitty that no matter what it can not get better and nothing can make them happy. When you have those thoughts all the time, it can add up, and then they end up doing it. It is a very awful thing, but again, the average person doesn't get it, and the average person has a good, happy life and they could never understand what it is like to be depressed and get sad and to think that everything is down and that things could never get better.
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