My friends, both guy friends and girlfriends, always ask me to open up and be honest with them and tell me what is going on in my life. Every once in a while, I finally trust someone enough, and I am open and honest about what I am feeling or what is going on in my life, and after I tell them that, it comes back to shoot me in the foot, and I regret ever being honest with them. This has been happening to me year after year, and now I am so hesitant about being open and honest with someone, that sometimes I come across as either a liar or just the person thinks I don't think i am that close with them, bc I don't open up with them.
Recently, there have been 2 people that I decided I should finally open up about certain things and be honest with them. Both times have gone exactly how they have gone in the past. The person ends up using what I told them against me in a way to hurt me, and I am just fucking sick of it. All I have learned over the years, is that if I am truly open and honest with someone and tell them things, it ends up bad and more times than not, that info ends up getting used against me.
I am so sick of trusting people and having that trust thrown back into my face.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Songs, Movies, etc...
As we get older in life, we accumulate more and more life experiences. Part of these experiences include tv shows, movies, songs, etc.. that you share with someone else, and then when you see or hear it again, it makes you think of a certain person, or place, or event. I wonder, am I weird for never having that feeling of connection go away. I wonder, do other people feel the same way, or is that connection supposed to go away after time. Regardless if it is an ex-girlfriend, or a memory from a party in high school, or something from a friend that I haven't spoken to in years, when I hear certain songs or see certain scenes from a show or movie, I relate it to a past thing, and I wonder if I am crazy for doing that, or is that something that is normal, and I just don't know that other people do that.
Do I hate myself?
The easy answer to this question should be of course not, but over the course of my life and especially the last year or so, I am starting to think that I may. I have always had a gambling, addictive type of personality towards a lot of things, but I am starting to see how that had backfired on me, and now I have no idea what to do and how to change it.
As I told someone recently, I feel like I am in a deep hole that I dug myself, and I can't get out of it. I dig myself deeper and deeper in this hold by making certain decisions about my life, and then when I get so deep, I start to find my way out of that hole anyway possible, and it may not always be the best way to get out, but I finally find myself standing on level ground above the hole, and then I immediately find myself right back at the bottom of the hole. 99% of the reasons that I always ending up being back in the hole, are made my me and it is like I am purposefully making these bad choices and bad decisions just to make my life harder. Every decision I make about my life from how to spend my money, where to work, what to do on a nightly basis, how to handle my girl life, etc.. I know what I want to do, and I know what I should do, yet I keep finding myself doing the opposite of both. I have no idea why I do that, and I have started to see someone professionally to try to figure it out, but it really bothers me why I do that.
Recently I have made some decisions about my girl life, my friends, how I am spending/saving my money, and now currently what to do about my job, that I am thinking I may not have made the right decision on any single one of those. In each of those, I may have made the right choice for part of it, but overall, it is like I know what I truly want, yet I do something different. I am not sure why I do that, but until I stop sabotaging my own life, I am never going to be able to be happy and/or get out of these holes that I dig.
As I told someone recently, I feel like I am in a deep hole that I dug myself, and I can't get out of it. I dig myself deeper and deeper in this hold by making certain decisions about my life, and then when I get so deep, I start to find my way out of that hole anyway possible, and it may not always be the best way to get out, but I finally find myself standing on level ground above the hole, and then I immediately find myself right back at the bottom of the hole. 99% of the reasons that I always ending up being back in the hole, are made my me and it is like I am purposefully making these bad choices and bad decisions just to make my life harder. Every decision I make about my life from how to spend my money, where to work, what to do on a nightly basis, how to handle my girl life, etc.. I know what I want to do, and I know what I should do, yet I keep finding myself doing the opposite of both. I have no idea why I do that, and I have started to see someone professionally to try to figure it out, but it really bothers me why I do that.
Recently I have made some decisions about my girl life, my friends, how I am spending/saving my money, and now currently what to do about my job, that I am thinking I may not have made the right decision on any single one of those. In each of those, I may have made the right choice for part of it, but overall, it is like I know what I truly want, yet I do something different. I am not sure why I do that, but until I stop sabotaging my own life, I am never going to be able to be happy and/or get out of these holes that I dig.
New Job
I find myself in a position that I have found myself in over and over again. I am at a job I like, and I am doing well and another job opportunity comes up. Every time it has been for a different reason, normally it is because I am out searching for a new job, but this time the new job came to me. They are pushing hard for me to leave where I currently am and head over there. I have been thinking long and hard about it every day since the offer, and now the time is getting close to where I have to have an answer for them. The job is so different then what I am doing now, both in location, pay, responsibility, type of company, etc..
I have realized over the years that I love sales, I am very good at sales, and any career I have will include me being in sales. I do not know what is holding me back from accepting this new job, but that is what I have to figure out. This job is more money, better hours, easier work, but for some reason I am hesitant. I feel like I am at a point in my life that maybe I shouldn't be job hopping around. I think I know the real reason, but I do not want to admit it to myself. All I know is that I have to dmake a decision by the end of this week, and this is not a little decision. I have started something here at the Sun, and do I really want to pick up and just leave it to start something that could or couldn't work out.
I have realized over the years that I love sales, I am very good at sales, and any career I have will include me being in sales. I do not know what is holding me back from accepting this new job, but that is what I have to figure out. This job is more money, better hours, easier work, but for some reason I am hesitant. I feel like I am at a point in my life that maybe I shouldn't be job hopping around. I think I know the real reason, but I do not want to admit it to myself. All I know is that I have to dmake a decision by the end of this week, and this is not a little decision. I have started something here at the Sun, and do I really want to pick up and just leave it to start something that could or couldn't work out.
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