what the hell is wrong with me?

I guess this is something that had been brewing inside of me for a while now, and something just all clicked yesterday morning when I woke up. This whole week has been weird with me officially calling things off with Brandi to telling other people I really care about that I don't care about them(obviously a lie) and pretty much just realizing that my life has become a joke and a disgrace, and this whole time I had been blaming other people, when all along I was the only one to blame, and it was time for things to change.
Friday night, I went to my parents house watched blades of glory and just sat to myself thinking about alot of stuff. Saturday I ended up at brew at the zoo with my kickball team which was fun, but still, the whole time this overlying sadness and depression was hanging over me, and if couldn't have fun there, I knew I was in some trouble. I ended up going out with tj and his roomates on sat night, and we end up at rielighs, where i probably knew 80% of that bar, everyone was drunk, girls were hitting on me, people were dancing,etc., and still I found myself turning down shots, not being happy, and I end up walking home and going to bed early still with this overlying funk and depression hanging over me(which never happens during VT and Ravens football season).

Then I wake up on Sunday morning, and something comes over me that all these thoughts of death and escaping and all that kind of came together and for some reason, I told myself, if I cant have fun today, then I mine as well just kill myself. I know that seems drastic, but there is so much going on in my head, that no email can describe it. I woke up early, showered and headed out the door, making sure that I talk at least one time to every friend I have, just in case I do die today, that at least I would have talked to most people. i walk down to mothers to meet the mead clan who is having brunch with joy's family. During the walk down, I call and/or text most of my friends from tech about the weekend and how good we are at football and how i miss them. After mothers, I go to mad river, where I am one of 10 people in the whole place, and I just sit at the bar, get an order of wings, a beer and start to think about my day. this was about at 1130-1145 am, joy was driving her parents back to the hotel, and mead went home to poop. eventually people show up at mad river, and next thing I know, the whole crew I was with sat night is with me at the bar(all of tj's roomates and there boys, who are now boys with me) and we are just drinking. Then mead and amanda show up and eventually around 3 pm, tj and chris show up. Mead decides to go to RUB to watch the game, and I end up at mad river with tj, all those guys, and this girl katie who really wanted to watch the game with us. Everyone else(Keller, becca, chris, etc..) is at RUB, we agree to meet at the patio afterwards. This whole time I am in a great mood, talking to everyone, going out of my way to be nice and make sure to talk to everyone at least once, knowing how sad and depressed I was on the inside. I am in every conversation and going out of my way to make sure that I am talking to every person I see that I know, so that if this is the last time they ever see me, they wont have a horrible feeling of me.
Fast forward....I end up at the patio after the game, and every person I know is there, that girl katie and her friends are trying to hang out, tj, rathebe, mead, etc.. are all there, all of lauers roomates start a fight, that we win and its fun, everyone is having a good time, yet all I can think about is how sad and depressed I am even though the ravens found a way to win, so I go inside to say hi to you, since my attempts at texting were not returned, and I figured of all the people I didn't get to say bye to, you were the one that mattered the most, but I didn't see you, so I just went home. I stopped at no idea, did 3 shots, left, came home and laid in my bed. Im drinking a bottle of booze from the house and Alvin comes in, talks to me for like 15 min(he is a boring person to talk to, but very nice) and then he leaves. Next thing I know I decide, this is it, I don't need a note, all of my old notes that will be found will suffice, I left everyone on a good note, so I decide to just take everything I can get my hands on. I took all the liquid pain medication I had left, mixed with liquor, the rest of my bottle of sleeping pills, and 4 other pills that I have no idea what they are, but I take them. Everything after that is a blur. I guess at some point I either woke up or tried to, bc this morning I looked at my phone, and I had tried to call, chris, brad, tj, and brandon, all who didn't answer, and then tj called me back and I talked to him(according to my phone), but I have no recollection of any of that.

Eventually I wake up this morning(even now, after seeing a movie by myself, I am still pretty out of it) and I am alive, very very sleepy and confused, but alive. You would think I would be happy about that, but for some reason, I was not filled with overwhelming joy, I was filled more with confusion and sadness. Did I want to die?why was I not happy i was alive?should i just be a man and drive my car into the wall?would anyone actually realize if I was dead? That is all I could think about and all I can still think about. I can't really put a finger on why it happened or how it happened, but it was something that felt so right. This last 4-5 weeks have been a depression like something I have never felt in my life. I have been through a lot in my life and felt a lot of pain in my life, but this sort of depression is eating at me every day.