Letter to me ex

Am I too forgiving, too nice, or finally just growing up and trying to be mature about things. This is a letter that was written last night to my ex wife that cheated on me before and after the wedding....

I bet you see that subject line, and you can only imagine what stupid, mundane thing is going to come out of my mouth next, and you are 100% correct in thinking that. You may also be thinking, is this going to be a smart ass or mean email, since he has said all along that I am at fault for everything and that he has nothing to apologize for. I have said those things, and yes you do have a lot to apologize for, but the difference between you and me and is that you have at least tried(be it real or fake) to go out of you way to apologize to me and to let me know what you did wrong, whereas I have taken a different path and never apologized for anything, and I guess some recent events in my life have shown me the way I need to start leading and start living my life, and one of those things is to apologize to you.

I am not really sure where to begin, so I am just going to go in chronological order the best I can remember. This is in no way, any order of what I am more or less sorry for, its just a way for me to try to make sure I get out most of the apologizing and most of what I am trying to say.
The actual thing you did may have been the thing that ended our marriage, but we both know that through out all the good times there were things I did wrong and stuff like that and it's that type of stuff that builds and builds inside someone, and I am not condoning what you did, but I know I was not perfect, and I know that I am as much to blame for what happened as you are. I know I have already told you that, I guess the apology part of it, is that I am sorry more people( my friends, your friends, family, etc...) don't totally see it that way. I know you don't really care how or what people think about you, but it was still wrong for me not to stick up for you when people would be like, I cant believe that happened and stuff like that. I am sorry people rushed to judgement and never took the time to truly care enough to ask what happened and why it happened and all that stuff. I am also sorry for not totally understanding or admitting to understanding what you must have been going through the month and months before the wedding.
This was the most celebrated wedding that me, you, or any of our friends have ever been a part of. We had numerous dinner, parties, presents, etc... Every person that has ever heard of us was talking about this wedding and depe down we both knew that. I have always said if you called it off early it would have bene better, but knowing how much build up there was for it, I understand why you didnt call it off, and why you were nervous to tell your family about it. I am sorry I was not there more to talk to you about stuff and to try to work things out.

I am sorry for everything I put you through last fall and winter. Obviously the end of last summer and early into the fall we were in counseling and then we were still talking and things were just very up and down, but between my calls and emails and letters and all that random little stuff I would do just to get under your skin. All of that was totally not needed. I guess it was my way of putting up some sort of defense shield or something like that so i couldn't get hurt anymore. In retrospect I was very wrong to do all of that, and even though you did some things that either got me very mad or just confused the hell out of me( calling me when you were drunk late night, asking to hang out, wanting our dogs to play together, etc...) I was still way out of line and I acted like a little kid, while you were acting like a grown women. At the time, I knew I was acting dumb and stupid, so I would try to do little things to help you out and to let you know that I am not this stupid awful little kid( moved all your stuff over, gave you most everything you wanted from the house, got you a Christmas present,etc), but in the end it was still just me being me, and acting dumb and irresponsible and I am sorry for that. I had never been hurt or lied to like that by anyone in my life, and I guess it just took me way longer then I thought it would to get through the hurt and the pain. either way, it was my battle within myself that I had to fight, and being mean to you and bringing you into it was not the right thing to do.

Around Christmas we argued about the Christmas party and the guest list to that party. I am not sorry for having the party, bc that is something I needed to do to help myself move on a little and for the first time show myself that it was just me in the house, and this was still not our house. I am sorry for the way I handled inviting some of your friends, and mainly Maddie and Travis. For some reason, at the time, I honestly didn't see anything wrong with it, bc I still felt close to them. I have now realized that the way I handled things with your direct and indirect(cousins) family was not the best way. I have now come to the point now where when Maddie texts me about what me and my friends are doing(she still does every once in a while when she decides she wants brad again) I just ignore it and delete it, bc even though your family is great, they are YOUR family, and it is wrong and rude of me to keep trying to push myself on them, which is what I was doing at the time. Again, I am sorry for that whole party and the way I handled everything from the invites to asking you to make something for it(maybe the dumbest thing i have ever done)

Earlier this year, for some reason I decided that being mean to you and saying mean things to you was going to be the way to handle myself. For some reason, unlike you, I was not able to stay grown up and mature about things, and found myself acting like a little kid again, so I started lashing out at you and just overall being very mean to you, until I forced you to finally say, we shouldn't talk unless its about money(that had been about the 5th time, but this time you were serious) and actually stick to it. I am sorry for the way everything is going with the divorce. I know Margaret can be a bitch, and I talked to her about the present letter and told her she should have never sent it(sorry I forgot to email you back and tell you I talked to her). i am sorry that my childish behavior has made it so we have had to go to my lawyer and your lawyer sending each other papers, instead of us just dealing with things. I am sorry my friends(you know who) took it upon themselves to be so mean to you. I understand why they did it(thinking they were sticking up for me in a weird way), but I don't condone it, I yelled at them every time, and since I found out what they were really saying, I talked to them again and made sure they will never ever do that.

In the end, I am just sorry for the overall way I have acted over the last year and a half, and even before that. throughout this whole process, no matter what you have been going through in your life, you have found a way to still be mature about this and found a way to never yell or get mad at me. I am not sure what the future holds for us ever talking or really seeing each other again. I am pretty sure, once I go and sign these papers this week, the divorce is final and then we just have to figure out money.

For some reason I told you if you pay for the papers, then we are even, and since I told you that, i will stick to that. You are still paying my car and medical insurance which is 118 a month, and I am paying gym(27) and cell(around 50) each month, so we have to figure something out with that.

Again, I am sorry for everything. I wish you and your family all the best in the world. Let me know if you need anything for me, paper, bill, or money wise.