fireworks....

Will I ever be able to look at the 4th of July the same? One year and one day after my marriage, I find myself sprawled out in my bed, clothes thrown about my house, I dont know where my car is, I dont exactly know how I was able to drive home, and all I can do is lay in my bed, and think about what my life has become in the last year.

They say that paper is the gift to give on your one year anniversary while you are eating a piece of your wedding cake that you have had frozen for the last year. Unfortunetly for me, the only paper I had contact with yesterday was rolling paper used to smoke away my thoughts, and crumbled up recieprs from the bars where I tried to drink away my depression. How did this happen...where did this come from....when will I stop acting like this?

It would be easy of me to blame this all on my ex and say her cheating and lying and ruining of the marriage is to blame for all of this, but I know that is not the case. Of course, it did not help, but overall I just use that as an excuse and as a crutch to justify all the bad desicions I make with my life.

I can sit here and tell my self, that I do not want the next 365 days of my life to mirror the last 365, but it is up to me and only me to make that change.