For as long as I can remember I have smoked pot. I have gone through phases where I don't do it a lot, but I am still smoking it. For the last 2 months or so, I haven't really smoked, and all the pot I had, I gave to a friend. I have never felt better about myself and my life. I am not saying that at some point in the future I may smoke again, but I will never go back to how I was. I realized that smoking pot was making me even more sad and more depressed, and was part of the reason I was making such bad decisions.
This last weekend, I gave the rest of my pot and my bowl to my buddy. I now own no bowl, no weed, and I have no intention of buying a new bowl or a bag anytime soon!!!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Playing Poker
I like to play poker and I know I am good at it, but for me it is not all about the money. I know a lot of poker players that do it just for the money, and I do like the money part of it, but I get the same thrill from playing for nickels and dimes as I do when I win a 1000 pot. For me, it is about the interaction of the people, and me having the ability to just clear my head. No matter what I am doing in my life, I always have at least 10 different thoughts running through my head, and I am always worried and thinking about other things. When I am doing something I enjoy and that makes me happy, I still have thoughts running through my mind that may make me depressed or confused or things like that.
When I am playing poker, I have no other thoughts. For me, when I play poker, it is just me and the people there and the cards. It is the only thing I can do that makes me happy where I am not thinking about anything else. I love that feeling of being able to do something I enjoy, and just be happy being there, and not having a ton of other things running through my head.
When I am playing poker, I have no other thoughts. For me, when I play poker, it is just me and the people there and the cards. It is the only thing I can do that makes me happy where I am not thinking about anything else. I love that feeling of being able to do something I enjoy, and just be happy being there, and not having a ton of other things running through my head.
Ex's are so happy and in love, whats wrong with me
9 people that I have slept with and/or dated are engaged or living with a guy, and 3 more are in serious relationships with a guy. That is only what I know of. How can 12 people I used to date be so happy with there life, and yet I find myself feeling the complete opposite way? I guess I have to realize that I am just not what any girl is looking for, and girls just date me for fun or to fill a void, or because of some other reason, but over time they realize they want to go another direction in their life, and I get pushed to the side. I never get forgotten, I just slowly get erased from their memory.
The world of Dating
I am now single and in the dating world. This is a world I have not been in for a very, very long time. I tend to meet someone I like, and then I want to be with them and date them. Since I have been going out and going on dates, I am learning a lot about not only myself, but also about different people out there. For most of my life, anyone I have liked or dated has been someone that I either previously knew or was part of my social circle, and it just happened. The problem with that is where I live and always meeting people at bars, gets old, and it is so nice to meet people outside of my circle who do and enjoy many different things, not just going to fed hill bars.
I have never had a lot of self confidence for many reasons, but I never truly( and I still don't really get why) understood why girls liked me and are attracted to me. I am learning more now about why women do like me, and the type of person I truly am. I am realizing now, that because I spent most of my time meeting girls at bars or through my friends at bars, I was only meeting one type of girl, and those girls all had certain values and certain ways of viewing life, and I was starting to think that those were the only girls that were around.
I am now seeing more about the other women that are out there, and what they are like, and what they look for in guys. A friend recently told me that the point of dating is not really to go out and find your true love right away, but to date and find out exactly what you don't like, and that way it will be a lot easier to find the right person for you, because you have a better idea of what you do and don't like.
I am learning that people really like my personality, my eyes, my smile, and just my overall view on life. I guess I never really saw any of those qualities in myself, but I am starting to be more self confident now. I guess it just took meeting some girls outside of my social circle, to start to see what girls see in me.
The flip side of that for me is that I do not think I want to be dating. I have been on dates recently and I have a good time on them, and all that sort of stuff, but I am realizing that after you have a good time on a date, then its time for more dates and you start to get closer, etc.. I do love knowing that people out there like me, it really does help the confidence, but at the same time, I don't necessarily want to go out with someone I may or may not like, and then have them start to like me, and all of a sudden, I find myself in a relationship, and I am not ready for that yet.
The ultimate question I have to ask myself, is am I ready to go on these dates, am I ready to start dating just one girl, why do I feel the need to keep going out with these, where do I want my life to go in regards with women? Once I can answer all of these questions for myself, I think I will be truly ready to date again.
I have never had a lot of self confidence for many reasons, but I never truly( and I still don't really get why) understood why girls liked me and are attracted to me. I am learning more now about why women do like me, and the type of person I truly am. I am realizing now, that because I spent most of my time meeting girls at bars or through my friends at bars, I was only meeting one type of girl, and those girls all had certain values and certain ways of viewing life, and I was starting to think that those were the only girls that were around.
I am now seeing more about the other women that are out there, and what they are like, and what they look for in guys. A friend recently told me that the point of dating is not really to go out and find your true love right away, but to date and find out exactly what you don't like, and that way it will be a lot easier to find the right person for you, because you have a better idea of what you do and don't like.
I am learning that people really like my personality, my eyes, my smile, and just my overall view on life. I guess I never really saw any of those qualities in myself, but I am starting to be more self confident now. I guess it just took meeting some girls outside of my social circle, to start to see what girls see in me.
The flip side of that for me is that I do not think I want to be dating. I have been on dates recently and I have a good time on them, and all that sort of stuff, but I am realizing that after you have a good time on a date, then its time for more dates and you start to get closer, etc.. I do love knowing that people out there like me, it really does help the confidence, but at the same time, I don't necessarily want to go out with someone I may or may not like, and then have them start to like me, and all of a sudden, I find myself in a relationship, and I am not ready for that yet.
The ultimate question I have to ask myself, is am I ready to go on these dates, am I ready to start dating just one girl, why do I feel the need to keep going out with these, where do I want my life to go in regards with women? Once I can answer all of these questions for myself, I think I will be truly ready to date again.
Saying I love you
I have learned over the years, that the term I love you is becoming over used and watered down for lack of a better term. People get in a relationhship wiht someone, and they are having a good time, and thinking that they may care for someone, and they start throwing that term around. I used to think that saying that to someone was something special, and it was something that should only be said to someone if you truly mean it and if you truly do love someone. Telling someone that you are starting to fall for them, or that you can see your self falling in love with them is pointless and is just hurtful. A person should just know if they love somone or if they just really like someone and really get along with each other. It is un fair to play with someone's emotions like that.
Moving on
Moving on from something is one of the hardest things to do in your life, and I used to think it was just me that had a very hard time with it, but it seems to me that most people find it hard to move on be it from a job, relationship, house, etc..
I find myself in a situation now where I am moving on from a job and a relationship, and it is harder than I thought.
I find myself in a situation now where I am moving on from a job and a relationship, and it is harder than I thought.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Trust
My friends, both guy friends and girlfriends, always ask me to open up and be honest with them and tell me what is going on in my life. Every once in a while, I finally trust someone enough, and I am open and honest about what I am feeling or what is going on in my life, and after I tell them that, it comes back to shoot me in the foot, and I regret ever being honest with them. This has been happening to me year after year, and now I am so hesitant about being open and honest with someone, that sometimes I come across as either a liar or just the person thinks I don't think i am that close with them, bc I don't open up with them.
Recently, there have been 2 people that I decided I should finally open up about certain things and be honest with them. Both times have gone exactly how they have gone in the past. The person ends up using what I told them against me in a way to hurt me, and I am just fucking sick of it. All I have learned over the years, is that if I am truly open and honest with someone and tell them things, it ends up bad and more times than not, that info ends up getting used against me.
I am so sick of trusting people and having that trust thrown back into my face.
Recently, there have been 2 people that I decided I should finally open up about certain things and be honest with them. Both times have gone exactly how they have gone in the past. The person ends up using what I told them against me in a way to hurt me, and I am just fucking sick of it. All I have learned over the years, is that if I am truly open and honest with someone and tell them things, it ends up bad and more times than not, that info ends up getting used against me.
I am so sick of trusting people and having that trust thrown back into my face.
Songs, Movies, etc...
As we get older in life, we accumulate more and more life experiences. Part of these experiences include tv shows, movies, songs, etc.. that you share with someone else, and then when you see or hear it again, it makes you think of a certain person, or place, or event. I wonder, am I weird for never having that feeling of connection go away. I wonder, do other people feel the same way, or is that connection supposed to go away after time. Regardless if it is an ex-girlfriend, or a memory from a party in high school, or something from a friend that I haven't spoken to in years, when I hear certain songs or see certain scenes from a show or movie, I relate it to a past thing, and I wonder if I am crazy for doing that, or is that something that is normal, and I just don't know that other people do that.
Do I hate myself?
The easy answer to this question should be of course not, but over the course of my life and especially the last year or so, I am starting to think that I may. I have always had a gambling, addictive type of personality towards a lot of things, but I am starting to see how that had backfired on me, and now I have no idea what to do and how to change it.
As I told someone recently, I feel like I am in a deep hole that I dug myself, and I can't get out of it. I dig myself deeper and deeper in this hold by making certain decisions about my life, and then when I get so deep, I start to find my way out of that hole anyway possible, and it may not always be the best way to get out, but I finally find myself standing on level ground above the hole, and then I immediately find myself right back at the bottom of the hole. 99% of the reasons that I always ending up being back in the hole, are made my me and it is like I am purposefully making these bad choices and bad decisions just to make my life harder. Every decision I make about my life from how to spend my money, where to work, what to do on a nightly basis, how to handle my girl life, etc.. I know what I want to do, and I know what I should do, yet I keep finding myself doing the opposite of both. I have no idea why I do that, and I have started to see someone professionally to try to figure it out, but it really bothers me why I do that.
Recently I have made some decisions about my girl life, my friends, how I am spending/saving my money, and now currently what to do about my job, that I am thinking I may not have made the right decision on any single one of those. In each of those, I may have made the right choice for part of it, but overall, it is like I know what I truly want, yet I do something different. I am not sure why I do that, but until I stop sabotaging my own life, I am never going to be able to be happy and/or get out of these holes that I dig.
As I told someone recently, I feel like I am in a deep hole that I dug myself, and I can't get out of it. I dig myself deeper and deeper in this hold by making certain decisions about my life, and then when I get so deep, I start to find my way out of that hole anyway possible, and it may not always be the best way to get out, but I finally find myself standing on level ground above the hole, and then I immediately find myself right back at the bottom of the hole. 99% of the reasons that I always ending up being back in the hole, are made my me and it is like I am purposefully making these bad choices and bad decisions just to make my life harder. Every decision I make about my life from how to spend my money, where to work, what to do on a nightly basis, how to handle my girl life, etc.. I know what I want to do, and I know what I should do, yet I keep finding myself doing the opposite of both. I have no idea why I do that, and I have started to see someone professionally to try to figure it out, but it really bothers me why I do that.
Recently I have made some decisions about my girl life, my friends, how I am spending/saving my money, and now currently what to do about my job, that I am thinking I may not have made the right decision on any single one of those. In each of those, I may have made the right choice for part of it, but overall, it is like I know what I truly want, yet I do something different. I am not sure why I do that, but until I stop sabotaging my own life, I am never going to be able to be happy and/or get out of these holes that I dig.
New Job
I find myself in a position that I have found myself in over and over again. I am at a job I like, and I am doing well and another job opportunity comes up. Every time it has been for a different reason, normally it is because I am out searching for a new job, but this time the new job came to me. They are pushing hard for me to leave where I currently am and head over there. I have been thinking long and hard about it every day since the offer, and now the time is getting close to where I have to have an answer for them. The job is so different then what I am doing now, both in location, pay, responsibility, type of company, etc..
I have realized over the years that I love sales, I am very good at sales, and any career I have will include me being in sales. I do not know what is holding me back from accepting this new job, but that is what I have to figure out. This job is more money, better hours, easier work, but for some reason I am hesitant. I feel like I am at a point in my life that maybe I shouldn't be job hopping around. I think I know the real reason, but I do not want to admit it to myself. All I know is that I have to dmake a decision by the end of this week, and this is not a little decision. I have started something here at the Sun, and do I really want to pick up and just leave it to start something that could or couldn't work out.
I have realized over the years that I love sales, I am very good at sales, and any career I have will include me being in sales. I do not know what is holding me back from accepting this new job, but that is what I have to figure out. This job is more money, better hours, easier work, but for some reason I am hesitant. I feel like I am at a point in my life that maybe I shouldn't be job hopping around. I think I know the real reason, but I do not want to admit it to myself. All I know is that I have to dmake a decision by the end of this week, and this is not a little decision. I have started something here at the Sun, and do I really want to pick up and just leave it to start something that could or couldn't work out.
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