Over the years I have gained a different type of appreciation for my dad. My dad and I are exactly like in almost every day( granted he is taller, balder and can hold a tan way better then I can), but other then that we are almost exactly a like. WE act the same, talk the same, have the same manurisms etc.
The biggest difference between is that I am not nearly the overall person that he is. He is a great person on the inside and 100 out of 100 times will choose to do the right thing. I want to get to that point. I feel like in my life, I am not quite there yet and I want to get to be that type of person.
I have never told my father this and how much I respect him as a person, but I do know that if I can become the exact type of person that he is, my life will be way better.
Monday, April 19, 2010
the happiness of youth
As I get older, I see more and more people getting angry towards younger people for being annoying or I see people complaining about kids. When I say kids, I am referring to anyone under the age of 18.
I see groups of kids hanging out, out front of a store, or I see kids playing catch in the street, or tons of kids hanging out in front of the movie theater etc.. So many people just look at them and complain and call cops or call security, or complain to a store owner, or yell at the kids them selves. Why all the anger and why all the yelling? These kids are doing no harm at all, they are just enjoying their lives.
It is like everyone forgot how life is when you are a kid.
I think back to all the times I was with my friends, we were never looking for trouble, we were not out to bother older people, we were just out to enjoy our lives. If I go to a movie theater, and I see tons of kids outside hanging out, I do not give them dirty looks, I don't complain about them to who ever I am with, I don't call security, I look at all of them and I just smile. I smile, because I remember how much fun that was and how happy it was. I also remember how little attention we paid to anyone else that wasn't one of us. When you are that age that you are hanging out in front of a movie theater, you are doing it because what else is there really to do. In your eyes( at age 15ish), you are thinking that this is the best time of your life.
When I go into a 7-11 or another store like that during the day, and there is a huge group of kids outside, I think the same thing. I remember after school hanging out in front of a store or a place like that. Again, when you are that age, a. what else is there to do b. what harm are you causing? When I see that, I look at them and that also makes me happy, because it reminds me how innocent and fun it used to be when we were younger.
This can be looked at on a grown-up level also. There are a group of people now who are fighting to make fines higher for drunk in public and step up arrests in the Federal Hill area. All of these people are way older, and I have to assume at some point in time they were doing the same thing. They are causing all of this because each weekend, there is a fight or an arrest etc.. The bottom line of that is, that is about 1% or less of the people. The other 99% of people are just out having fun, but older, bitter people just want to end all the fun.
The same thins is true for the people at the movie theater that call security or for store owners who put a sign on the door only allowing 2 students at a time in a store. Less then 1% of kids actually cause trouble, but people act like if there is a group of kids, that 100% of that group is out to cause trouble.
I just wish people would stop and think when they see younger people how they felt when they were that age, and how they acted when they were that age, and maybe that will change how they react. Under no circumstance do I want to go back to being a kid again, but I will never forget how happy I felt when I was that age and I will never look down on a group of kids just trying to enjoy life.
I see groups of kids hanging out, out front of a store, or I see kids playing catch in the street, or tons of kids hanging out in front of the movie theater etc.. So many people just look at them and complain and call cops or call security, or complain to a store owner, or yell at the kids them selves. Why all the anger and why all the yelling? These kids are doing no harm at all, they are just enjoying their lives.
It is like everyone forgot how life is when you are a kid.
I think back to all the times I was with my friends, we were never looking for trouble, we were not out to bother older people, we were just out to enjoy our lives. If I go to a movie theater, and I see tons of kids outside hanging out, I do not give them dirty looks, I don't complain about them to who ever I am with, I don't call security, I look at all of them and I just smile. I smile, because I remember how much fun that was and how happy it was. I also remember how little attention we paid to anyone else that wasn't one of us. When you are that age that you are hanging out in front of a movie theater, you are doing it because what else is there really to do. In your eyes( at age 15ish), you are thinking that this is the best time of your life.
When I go into a 7-11 or another store like that during the day, and there is a huge group of kids outside, I think the same thing. I remember after school hanging out in front of a store or a place like that. Again, when you are that age, a. what else is there to do b. what harm are you causing? When I see that, I look at them and that also makes me happy, because it reminds me how innocent and fun it used to be when we were younger.
This can be looked at on a grown-up level also. There are a group of people now who are fighting to make fines higher for drunk in public and step up arrests in the Federal Hill area. All of these people are way older, and I have to assume at some point in time they were doing the same thing. They are causing all of this because each weekend, there is a fight or an arrest etc.. The bottom line of that is, that is about 1% or less of the people. The other 99% of people are just out having fun, but older, bitter people just want to end all the fun.
The same thins is true for the people at the movie theater that call security or for store owners who put a sign on the door only allowing 2 students at a time in a store. Less then 1% of kids actually cause trouble, but people act like if there is a group of kids, that 100% of that group is out to cause trouble.
I just wish people would stop and think when they see younger people how they felt when they were that age, and how they acted when they were that age, and maybe that will change how they react. Under no circumstance do I want to go back to being a kid again, but I will never forget how happy I felt when I was that age and I will never look down on a group of kids just trying to enjoy life.
4/20
For some people today is a day to just get stoned and party. For me it is very different. Today is the day that my mother passed away. It is weird to think that certain days I miss her more then others, because I am always thinking about her, but days like today, mothers day, her birthday etc..I guess I do think about her more then normal.
I know at this point it was a while ago that it happened, but that doesn't help me get over it. It is one of those things that I will never be able to get over. I miss her a lot. It is not just one thing I miss, just overall I really do. Even after all of these years, when something happens, I still go to call her or I just sit and think, I wish I could tell my mom this, or my mom would love this etc..
Days like today are just harder for me then others :(
I know at this point it was a while ago that it happened, but that doesn't help me get over it. It is one of those things that I will never be able to get over. I miss her a lot. It is not just one thing I miss, just overall I really do. Even after all of these years, when something happens, I still go to call her or I just sit and think, I wish I could tell my mom this, or my mom would love this etc..
Days like today are just harder for me then others :(
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Why do I get judged so much
Is it all in my head? Do I imagine all of this? Am I over-analyzing all of it? Those questions run through my head all of the time. Then, everyone once in a while, something happens or someone says something to me, that makes me think that it is not all in my head, and people really are taking time out of their life to judge me and judge the way I live.
People think they know me beacuse maybe they hear a story about me or they see something online about me, or they saw me out, or they hear something from a friend etc.. At the end of the day, only the people that are truly close to me really know me. Somehow( I will take some blame for it), there are perceptions out there about me that are just not true. Just because of where I live and who I hang out with and where and when I choose to hang out etc, people think they know all about me and they think they have the right to say things about me and judge me and think they know my life inside out.
I know I have low self-esteem and I know I think way more about it then I should, but when I hear stories like I did the other day or when people say things to me like they did last night, it really makes it stand out how crazy it is what people think about me and how people truly see me.
If any of these people actually took the time to know me and hang out with me, they would get to know the real me and see me for who I truly am, and not just judge me based on something they heard or something they think they know.
People think they know me beacuse maybe they hear a story about me or they see something online about me, or they saw me out, or they hear something from a friend etc.. At the end of the day, only the people that are truly close to me really know me. Somehow( I will take some blame for it), there are perceptions out there about me that are just not true. Just because of where I live and who I hang out with and where and when I choose to hang out etc, people think they know all about me and they think they have the right to say things about me and judge me and think they know my life inside out.
I know I have low self-esteem and I know I think way more about it then I should, but when I hear stories like I did the other day or when people say things to me like they did last night, it really makes it stand out how crazy it is what people think about me and how people truly see me.
If any of these people actually took the time to know me and hang out with me, they would get to know the real me and see me for who I truly am, and not just judge me based on something they heard or something they think they know.
Monday, April 12, 2010
moving out
I am finally moving out of my apartment in Federal Hill. I am staying downtown, but this is such a huge move for me. It gets me away from all the bars, it makes it so I am living by myself( which makes me so happy just to be able to have my own life), and it it way cheaper then I am paying now.
I did loving right in the middle of Fed hill, and I have had my fun, but I am past that point in my life of living right in the middle of it all, and this is step one of getting my life exactly on the track that I want it to be on.
I am so excited to finally move out and to be able to live by myself!!!!!
I did loving right in the middle of Fed hill, and I have had my fun, but I am past that point in my life of living right in the middle of it all, and this is step one of getting my life exactly on the track that I want it to be on.
I am so excited to finally move out and to be able to live by myself!!!!!
Monday, April 5, 2010
having girlfriends that are you just friends
This is a tough subject for me, because I do have so many friends that are girls, but they are also just friends. I know this is so tough and difficult for the girls I date to sometimes grasp, but over time they realize they are just friends. Where I have gotten in trouble for this before is because if I am with the girl I am dating, and we see a group of my girlfriends, I talk to them and hug them etc, and sometimes do not pay all my attention to the girl I am dating.
This is so wrong and so stupid of me, and I am done that now, but I think back to the way I used to act, and I just get so mad at myself. If you are dating a girl and you like her, you shouldn't need to flirt with other girls, you shouldn't need to just hang out with a group of girls. The girl you like and the girl you are dating should be the only girl you want to be around. If everyone is going out as a group, that is fine, but when you start hanging out with just one or two of your girlfriends, I can see how that not only comes across very weird to the girl you are dating, but also it is rude. I just feel bad for a lot of the way I have acted over the years.
On that note, I have a bunch of friends who would never have a girl's number in their phone unless they were planning on hooking up with them. These guys have zero girl friends, and they would never have any interest of hanging out with a girl unless it was to date/hook up with them. When I look at them and I compare them to me, I would much rather have what I have. Some of my girl friends are some of my best friends, and that will never change.
What will change is I will never choose a girl friend of mine over a girl I am dating. I will never make plans just to hang out with one of my girlfriends, when the only girl I want to be with is the girl i am dating.
This is so wrong and so stupid of me, and I am done that now, but I think back to the way I used to act, and I just get so mad at myself. If you are dating a girl and you like her, you shouldn't need to flirt with other girls, you shouldn't need to just hang out with a group of girls. The girl you like and the girl you are dating should be the only girl you want to be around. If everyone is going out as a group, that is fine, but when you start hanging out with just one or two of your girlfriends, I can see how that not only comes across very weird to the girl you are dating, but also it is rude. I just feel bad for a lot of the way I have acted over the years.
On that note, I have a bunch of friends who would never have a girl's number in their phone unless they were planning on hooking up with them. These guys have zero girl friends, and they would never have any interest of hanging out with a girl unless it was to date/hook up with them. When I look at them and I compare them to me, I would much rather have what I have. Some of my girl friends are some of my best friends, and that will never change.
What will change is I will never choose a girl friend of mine over a girl I am dating. I will never make plans just to hang out with one of my girlfriends, when the only girl I want to be with is the girl i am dating.
more money owed by friends
Here is the thing about this, when friends owe me money it puts me in a very tough situation. I will never let money come between me and one of my friends, but in a case like this, things keep coming up that hurt and for lack of a better term, throw it in my face and make me feel like he doesn't care at all that he owes me money.
He has owed me this money for going on 2 years now, and at one point it got up to 1300. He did me some favors and I felt bad for him, so about 7 months ago, I dropped it to 500 with the promise that he was going to pay me within a month. Well, here we are 7 months later and no money given to me.
here is the part that really upsets me. I see him out all the time. He tells me he has zero money, yet I see him out or I am always hearing stories or seeing emails about this great dinner he went to or these awesome trips he goes on and all this fun stuff he does, bar tabs, nights out, dinners etc... At the end of the day he is just blowing me off 10000% and making it seem like paying me back is the last thing on his mind. It is just crappy to have a friend doing that to me.
He has owed me this money for going on 2 years now, and at one point it got up to 1300. He did me some favors and I felt bad for him, so about 7 months ago, I dropped it to 500 with the promise that he was going to pay me within a month. Well, here we are 7 months later and no money given to me.
here is the part that really upsets me. I see him out all the time. He tells me he has zero money, yet I see him out or I am always hearing stories or seeing emails about this great dinner he went to or these awesome trips he goes on and all this fun stuff he does, bar tabs, nights out, dinners etc... At the end of the day he is just blowing me off 10000% and making it seem like paying me back is the last thing on his mind. It is just crappy to have a friend doing that to me.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
april 1 starts a huge month
This is a huge month for me. I am going to find a new place to live and move out, I am going to buy a new car, and I am working very hard to get my side business up and running. Hopefully I will not let myself down and I will be able to get all of this done.
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